Welcome to the Poly Pathways podcast, helping you create paths for practical polyamory. Your hosts are Kat and Doc. We're glad you're here. Well, hello, Polypathways listeners. Welcome back, whether you're polyamorous, you're curious, or you're just exploring. Kat and I are thrilled that you're here. And thanks, Kat, for taking over for a couple weeks when I went through what I needed to go through. I really do appreciate that. We always hold space for you. Absolutely. We're holding space for each other. And we're holding space this week for relationship check-ins. This is something we've talked about in a few different episodes. It's something that's very popular in polyamry circles, but it's not limited to polyamory. You can use relationship check-ins in any variety of relationship that you might have. But today we're going to be talking about how a relationship check-in can keep a polyamory. amorous relationship or molecule running pretty smoothly. We're going to talk about not just how that works, but also some improvements that we can make based on some experience, some mental wellness theory, including attachment theory, trauma-informed theory, and emotional safety work that is out there and very popular to read and also practice. And also the role that all partners need to play as we develop and support interdependence and balance in our polyamry relationships. So if this is a topic that's interesting to you, if you're someone who is struggling on your communication front, maybe it's very just random and haphazard, maybe your check-ins aren't going as smoothly or as effectively as you'd like. This is a good time for you to subscribe or follow our podcast and share it out with your polucle so the next time you have a chance, you'll be able to have a great relationship check-in. Are you enjoying this episode? Sure, with your polycule or anyone curious about ethical non-monogamy. Don't forget to tell you us on social media with your thoughts. We're happy to welcome you to the conversation. What are relationship check-ins anyway? Why are they important, especially for polyamorous people? This is just kind of an overview of relationship check-ins as a whole. Lots of different relationships can benefit from relationship check-ins. So if you have small children, if you have parents that are elderly or aging, if you just have friends that you don't see very often, sometimes setting up a formal check-in feels a bit unnatural. But it can be a good reminder for us to stay connected to people, especially in this day and age of everybody being so busy and so saturated on social media, that having that dedicated time to really sit down and talk to somebody is really important. So lots of relationship check-ins happen informally. You run into somebody when you're out getting coffee or, you know, you have coffee with your spouse at the table in the morning and all of a sudden it turns into an in-depth discussion. But yeah, the idea is to not think of relationship check-ins as something super overwhelming, like another thing on the to-do list, another thing to schedule. But they are important. They're like an oil change for your car, right? If you ignore it long enough, eventually your car is going to break. and your relationship can suffer if you don't take time. So really think of it as more of preventative maintenance than another item on the to-do list. Absolutely. And I'll tell you that, like, lots of times it can also not just feel like overwhelming, but it can also feel a little bit stodgy and corporate. But it doesn't need to be. And the truth is that the busier I am in my regular world, the busier I am in relationships and just as I kind of, as I get older and deal. with all the other things that I'm dealing with, having something that I can put my finger on that appears on my calendar, that's structured and scheduled, gives me some comfort that our relationship is important. It gives me a sense of confidence that we'll be able to talk about this matter or these matters without going into a whole panic. And so a relationship of check-in really is kind of a structured and scheduled time to discuss the state of your relationship. And the focus of a check-in isn't to talk about necessarily the state of all of your relationships unless you're doing a whole pollicle check-in if that's the way that you poly through KTP or even if your garden party or your polycule dynamic allows you to sit down as a collective group and talk about things, that's great. But in terms of just a one-on-one, just being able sit down with the partner that you're talking to and have that time to focus on that partnership is really something that is important. Yeah, you might bring in the state of other relationships into that just so that there's an update on your world, but the reality is that it just doesn't need to be a constant stream of conversation, that this just scheduled structured time gives us a point that we can put our finger on, that we can have confidence or we're going to be able to deal with this issue. And that does help a lot with people, who are a little bit anxious or nervous to know that it's out there and also to know that you can check in on it periodically. So what does that mean? This might be a monthly, a quarterly, a biweekly, just something that's on a regular schedule that you might sit down with. I've heard Pollockules talk about, hey, we do this. It kind of every six to eight weeks, we try to try to, you know, do a check in, see where everybody's at, let people have their autonomy and check in on what's going on. But the format of the check-in, despite the fact that you can say, let's check in monthly or quarterly or bi-weekly or whatever it might be for you, the format of the check-in also allows for you to have a pop-up to be able to say, hey, something's going on and I need to be able to talk about it. Do you have time on Thursday or do you have time on Friday? And allow for you to be able to have that kind of safe pop-up check-in that's not overwhelming or random in your life so that It doesn't, like, I don't know, I don't know how you are cat, but for me, like, random emotionally heavy things can make me get my backup a little bit, make me feel a little bit defensive. And it, that can sabotage a check-in. And that's something I recognize and I'm working on in therapy. But still, this is a structure that helps me deal with that. I think having a relationship check-in schedule also gives you a little bit of freedom. So when something happens or something comes up that you want to deal with right away, knowing that you have a check-in, so say something crazy happens on a Tuesday, right? But you know that on Friday, you're going to check in with that partner. I think it takes some of the, like, the urgency out of it to immediately address this. So like, yeah, you're all up in arms about it. You know, it's Tuesday. You're pissed off. You really want to talk to your partner about it. But they're having a super busy day or you know you're not going to see them. Instead of. ambushing them or kind of torpedoing them into a sudden conversation, you can take a step back and be like, I know we're going to have a check in on Friday. I'm going to hold on to this so that we can address it calmly at that time. It also gives you that kind of breathing room to see if the issue is as inflammatory as you think it is going to be or as, you know, important as you think it is. I think we've all had that moment where, you know, something happens to us and we get, we really get it like kind of agitated about it. or it really like gets us annoyed or something like that. But you might not get a chance to talk about it just then. And then a day goes by and you're like, oh, I don't even know why I was upset about that, right? Time kind of takes the sting away from some of those topics. So if you have this scheduled meeting regularly, you might start to notice that you don't feel like everything needs to be addressed right here, right now. And probably an inopportune time, we talked about halt in a previous episode. Like you could be hungry, you'd be angry. You could have all these things going through you. But knowing that you have that outlet coming up gives you a safe space to talk about it. And you can kind of prepare ahead of time to have that conversation in a smart way instead of in a reactive way. It also helps you kind of avoid building up resentment that you might not get a chance to talk about it. I think that's especially true if you are a partner or your partner is working through mental wellness. issues, maybe they're on the neurodiversity spectrum, they're just dealing with a lot, maybe they're just nervous, or they've got a lot of life events going on. That does sometimes create a sense of urgency and immediacy in dealing with things, but you're right, that pause for the cause, that's a huge part of it, right? Relationships that are just constantly in emotional turmoil and bringing up these really heavy topics out of thin air, that weighs on a relationship. That can foster resentment. That can foster scorekeeping and all types of problems where it's like, well, we never deal with this or we always have this. And that can that can torpedo a check in and the entire process really quickly if all of your relationships are just inflammatory. So yeah, I would actually throw myself under the bus on this one. So my partners have a habit of coming into my office midday. And, you know, I'm neurodivergent. So I have trouble context switching sometimes. But I'll be in work mode through and through. And my partners will drop by my office and try to drop a bomb on me. Like, hey, we really need to talk about this or, hey, we need to have a rant about this. And I'm just not available for that conversation. And I will get agitated. And I'll be like, hey, we need to calm down and wait at a better time to do this. Because not everybody is at the same, I would say mental capacity that you are at the same time. And I don't mean they're dumb. Don't take that to mean that they're dumb. You know, if you're fully immersed in a task, in a project, or you are just thinking really hard about something, or you're just in 10,000 meetings and don't have the capacity to work through something in that moment, just because you're ready to talk about something doesn't mean your partner is ready to talk about it. Okay. So these check-ins are a way for you kind of to get on that same page and be like, we're both going to arrive ready to have a nice conversation about this and actually go through the radar steps that Doc is about to explain. That's right. And we'll talk about some different ways that we can improve on check-ins in another segment. But from Multi-Amory, the radar check-in, which is, again, if you're in, if you're close to relationship check-ins, you probably know about radar. This gets talked about a lot. It really is a five-step process by which you can talk about your relationship. And we'll link it in the show notes for sure for you. And it, will give you more details in terms of what the agenda items you might consider are, but you don't need to follow it to the letter. Radar starts off with review. So what's happened since our last check-in? This might be actions that needed to take place from the last check-in. Maybe one of your partners is looking for a new job. An action might have been that they applaud, you know, they're like, hey, I want to go get my resume looked at by somebody, you know, checking him, hey, how did that go? what's happening with that with that with that with that with that task that you took on or just something that's happened that you just want to kind of review and what's been going on since the last time that you had to kind of sit down the next one a is to agree to look at a list of topics and and and just agree to those topics and in the order that you're going to go in a priority order maybe you want to front load the heavy things or backload the heavy things yeah you definitely want to make sure you're agreeing on the topics that you're going to discuss. I know in some of my relationship, Tekins, we had a bad habit in the past of kind of going off topic. And if you say, we're going to talk about three things and then you are wildly off base, it's going to derail your entire time. This is where I will take this on. My anxiety and my nervousness sometimes will bring in what I perceive to be connected topics and that will take us off topic too. But you're exactly right. And a good communication technique for that would be like, That's not like, hey, Kat, that's not on our list. Or I'm taking us off into a tangent that's not on our list. And can we put a pin in it? Can we, is this something that we need to add to the check-ins? Can we stop and process check? Do we need to add that this week? Or is this something we can talk about maybe in a schedule a follow-up, whatever it might be? But agreeing to that list of topics that you're going to discuss, the order in which you're going to do it. And this is also, by the way, a good time to remind yourself. of the halt method? Are you ready to talk about this topic? It might be a really emotionally heavy topic and maybe that's the only thing you should be talking about this week or maybe it needs its own special thing. At any rate, you might guess once you've agreed on your topics, the D in radar is to discuss them, to discuss them from a position of objectivity, to go through each topic completely share your feelings, your needs, your updates, talk about it from a of observation, hey, I observed this or this or this or this, or this, or I went through this or this or this is how I'm feeling. These are some of the things that this made me feel or that I need or that I want moving ahead. In each of these topics, you should kind of work to wrap it up with the second A and radar, and that is action points. Are there concrete actions, steps, goals, tasks that need to take place based on that discussion. Maybe you're in a family discussion. Maybe part of your radar check-in is talking about your family budget. And you're coming up on a birthday for one of your family members. And one of the budgets is, hey, we need to budget in a trip to see X, Y, Z or a present for XYZ. An action point would be like, hey, so we need to get that taken care of by, like, Friday. Can we make sure that we get that present? or maybe I need to send you a little cash app to make that possible so that it's a shared expense. It might also be, you know, if your partner, again, if your partner is looking to make a major change in their life, that they sit down and they develop a plan for themselves with their own resources. Moving into the last R, this is probably the most important step. And I'm going to, well, I said we're going to talk about improvements later on. I'm going to bring one in right here. but is to reconnect. So at the end of this, according to the multi-amry radar process, at the end of it, have an activity that involves some bonding between you and your partner. And I'm talking about this from me and my partner standpoint, but if it were a polycule, a polycule activity, some sort of activity that allows you to connect. And remember the value of your relationship. Is it, is it cuddling? Is it watching your favorite TV show? is it maybe it's a little bit more physical, sensitive, soft intimacy, or maybe it's something a little bit spicier or some sort of a fun ritual that you do. But the other thing that I, and I just recently heard this from steady polyamory, is that you can also do your entire check-in through a reconnection activity, like maybe going for a walk together or visiting a park and sitting down and talking about these things. Maybe you're doing a coffee, date. Maybe sometimes your relationship check-ins can get a little bit voice-dress or a little bit tense and you're used that you could be set, put yourself in a relaxing setting, moving into a coffee date or maybe go for a drive or just do something that allows you to reconnect through the process if if that's something that appeals to you. So it's just a quick improvement. We'll talk about other improvements later on. But I really like that idea in terms of reconnection because my radar check-ins, my relationship check-ins can feel a little corporate until the very end. And that, for me, that hits like my executive disassociation that I think Kat and I both kind of share where we're like, we're focused on this. And that's a criticism that I've heard that I'm, again, I'm working on because we're always working on things. Yeah. I think Doc and I are both corporate monkeys. So we both have that part of our brain that are like, we're going to have an agenda. We're going to have a checklist. And we're going to do it this way. I think that is why my most successful relationship check-ins are you. usually paired with other activities, like a walk or a drive. I think some of my best ones I've ever had when we're, I remember one where I was out walking. And it was an hour and a half walk. And my partner and I had a great check-in and our reconnection after that was actually to go out for coffee and just have like a nice pastry together. Another one that I'm thinking of was a four-hour drive somewhere. And the three of us were in the car together. The kids were off in their own world. And we were just having really good conversations about the things that we needed to walk through. It's really nice to pair that with other activities, especially if you do tend towards that corporate side of your brain because it takes you out of sitting at a desk or sitting at a table and just going through it like it's a litmus test. So really, really love that. And if it has to be, you know, at your kitchen table with your whole molecule, maybe your fun activity afterwards is to play a video game or a board game together if you're not too competitive. But this is a really important, especially in polyamory. You hear monogamous couples talk about it a little bit as well. I've heard in my friend groups and my friend circles that people like scheduled financial meetings at home to check in on finances or they schedule meetings. They schedule date night and most people have their check-ins during date night or they even schedule sex and sometimes they talk about stuff after like in the cuddle time. So it's not a completely foreign concept, but this matters even more in polyamory because there are more moving parts. So multiple relationships. They can increase the complexity, the schedules, the emotions, the boundaries. Like, this is the kind of stuff that needs to be talked about more when there's more people involved, right? There's not a predetermined script like in monogamy that, you know, you're going to have a date night every month and that's your thing. You get a babysitter. You go out, you do whatever. You have the resources to do that. But it really is important when you have more moving parts to realize that there's more places for friction and for things to breakdown. So making that time as proactive as possible really helps prevent conflict down the road. Are you still going to have conflict? Probably. But this is a way to kind of get ahead of some of those issues before they escalate. It also really allows you a place to express yourself and to have emotional safety that you know you're going to be heard. So if you're in what you consider to be a one-sided relationship or a lopsided relationship, or I think this would most likely apply to a couple people like in like trios and throuples and things like that where you're joining maybe a unicorn scenario. This really is a great thing to establish with that group because it really allows equal footing. Everybody should be able to be heard. Everybody should be able to develop some trust that they're going to be heard. And it's just going to really deepening your connections with the people that you love them. And there are a lot of tools and considerations that you can use to make these relationship check-ins more successful to build in that emotional safety, to avoid conflict, and just deal with the complexities that sometimes Polly can be. So the first really is, like, yes, we are in relationship. Yes, this has an emotional connection. And yes, that feels really personal and subjective. But you want to be able to remain objective and supportive in your communication with your partner and with yourself. And this is important, too, because while your partner is talking, your brain might be having an entire internal dialogue that is off the rails. So remembering to be objective with yourself that you're listening, you're actively listening, you're hearing this, you're trying to see things and perceive things from this objective standpoint because the worst thing you can do is start to attack your partner with a feeling or a thought that you have. But the second to that is perceiving something as an attack or some sort of a slight. So to be objective and supportive, there are a couple of things I think really work. First is to kind of state an observation of what happened, what you experienced. Hey, I was at work this week. And it was really an emotionally heavy work week for me because all my team members were going through some personal problems at home. We had a lot of deadlines to negotiate and push. And so I'm just, that's my observation. And making it free of interpretation, avoiding things like, well, if they weren't so emotionally unstable, this would have been better. Nope, just avoid that interpretation. This is just what happened. Don't accuse people. If Tony hadn't done this, then you don't need to get into that. We're not looking for original blame or cause. We're just looking at what happened. And we're not looking for spin here. Like if this had only happened, that that sort of stuff is. kind of akin to magical thinking. You really just want to state the observation, state the experience, and what happened. You can absolutely express your feelings how that observation or that experience has impacted you without applying a story or something that was done by other people or engaging in some sort of, again, those external things like this experience happened. This is how I felt about that experience. That's it. That's your objective truth because it relates specifically to you without trying to bring in this amorphous, undefined lack of reality and lack of evidence stuff from the outside. If you have a need, you can state that need. And sometimes in a relationship check-in, that need is like, I just need you to understand this is how I'm feeling. Or I need some support in this area. Or I don't know what I'm going to do. every week I get to the end of my job and I hate my I hate my life. I need a solution. I can't think of one. So it's okay for you to state what you need from your partner. So again, it's that idea of do you need to be heard? Do you need to be supported? Do you need to be, do you need a solution that you can work on together? And if you do need to make a request from your partner, for example, I'm finding that you're really disassociative since the last time we had a check in. And I'm, I'm, I'm, I need for us to be able to have a little bit more connection time. Don't make it a demand. Don't be like, you're never around and I need time with you because that is bullshit. You could absolutely say, hey, I would like to have a little bit more time this week, or I have something special going on, or you have something special going on, and I would like to spend a little bit more time with you. Don't make it a demand. Don't make it an ultimatum. Just be gentle. Be supportive in your communication with your partner. So if you have a request of your partner, make it so that it's something that they can understand because making a demand, you can't do that, you shouldn't do that, you know, you need to do this, can sometimes trigger that defense mechanism inside the person you're speaking to. This is not, by the way, unique to relationships. Try this out at work and see if it doesn't help you. And understand that while making a request of yourself or of other people, of your partner, that they should feel free to say yes or no and negotiate that request. But to extend that thinking, they can also ask for more time to get clarity to either understand or consider or discuss. If they have questions, maybe they maybe say, hey, can I ask questions for clarity? Or if I just need, as we talked about earlier, a pause for the cause. Hey, this is really important. I want to make sure that I understand this. Can I get back to you in a couple of days? And allow yourself that time to discuss it. By the way, if things are getting heated, that's hard to do. But it's okay. If you see your part, if you, if you've made a request your partner and you see your partner getting upset, it's also okay for you to say, hey, I can see that you're starting to get a little agitated about this. Why don't we take a couple of days? This isn't, we're not putting people on. on the moon here. Why don't we take a couple of days and just allow ourselves to both think about it? And then come back and revisit this in a couple of days. One of my favorite parts about this whole system that you just laid out is really expressing how you want your partner to communicate with you. Not everybody, even people you get into relationships with. I think we often look for people who share similar traits to ourselves. There's a little bit of that reflection where we look for what we're missing or we look for what we are. But being explicitly accurate in how you want to be communicated with is huge. Okay. Don't assume that someone, whether you've been together five years, five minutes, or 10 years, or 50 years, that they understand what you need in that moment, right? We're so flexible as people that if you, I like to start my conversations this way. I'm bringing this up. I want to share something. I want to seek empathy or solve a problem. Basically, what this looks like for me is when I'm about to talk to my partner, I'll say, hey, this is just word vomit. I just need to get this off my chest. I'm not expecting you to respond. I'm not expecting you to solve my problems. I am not expecting you to do any of that. That's a huge insight, cat, this idea of word vomit. I don't know where this is going. I just need to talk it through. Knowing that up front, for me, on the other side, of that. One, I know that I do that, but two, on the other side of that, helps me disengage my problem solving mind. So I'm not jumping ahead to try to rescue or solve problems for my other partner. So if you're word vomiting, I think that's a huge insight. I love saying that to my partners. And I'll sometimes when my partners are popping off about something, I'll do the same thing. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, are you just word vomiting? Are you just looking for validation? Like, you just want to be seen or is this something that you need my input on? Like I want to know how I'm engaging with you. So I'm forward with that as well. Like sometimes I need help solving a problem and I'll be like, I'm going to, I need help solving this problem or I'll get halfway through a word vomit and I'll change and I'll be like, hey, I was word vomiting. This part I need you to focus on because I am stuck and I need help making this decision. I'm looking for advice. I'm looking for feedback. And then there are times when I'm just riled up about. something or I need to discuss something. And I don't need to just word vomit. I need you to say that you see me and you hear me. There's a project right now that I'm working on that is very taxing on my time and energy and my mental state. And it has crossed over from me just needing to word vomit all out and kind of work it out loud to I want you to see what I'm seeing and I want you to validate that you understand why this is hard for me. So sometimes you really just want that validation. So be clear. Do you want a word vomit? Do you need validation? Or do you need input to solve a problem? And this all goes back to and is supported by kind of that halt that we brought up earlier. So hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Tired can be like you're also sick or intoxicated or something like that. That's not the time to have these check-ins. I think that's the overlying theme is you don't want to start a lot of these conversations if you're in that space. I will caveat that that if you are only seeking to word vomit and you're angry, and that's how you heal and get it out, like, I've participated in classes before where yelling is part of the therapy, right? Yelling is part of the therapy. Sometimes you need that cathartic, angry cleanse to get it out there. So if it's an angry conversation and you just need to word vomit, again, let that be known. I'm angry right now. I just need to vomit this out. I'm not expecting you to solve anything for me. I just need you to listen, like, be my fly on the wall. That's important, too. Also, you don't need to have a check-in with your partner if you just need to, if you just need to word vomit. So I, both Kat and I are avid hikers and backpackers. The woods near my house have heard a lot of crap. And that's okay. And I think that that's also part of it. is if you're feeling angry about something or if you're feeling toxic about something, it's okay for you just to do that on your own and not constantly drag your relationships through that process. Even if it's about the relationship, the trees near my house have heard a lot of things about my relationships. Yeah, and you can also bring that to your friends, to your family, to other people in your network. So a lot of times in monogamous relationships, we have this feeling that our partner has to be everything for us, right? There are our sounding board. There are support systems and all this stuff. So if it's not going to impact your relationship at all, maybe call a friend and word ramen at your friend instead. Like sometimes that's helpful for your core relationship that they don't feel like they have to bear the brunt of all of your problems. You can go find other resources. Like call your coworker, bitch about your boss. Do what you got to do. It doesn't always have to be as part of a relationship check-in. It doesn't always have to be part of the communication that you have with your partner. Do we love sending this stuff to our partner? Because we know they get us. Yes. But respect that maybe they don't want to be the bearer of all of your emotional dumping. It can be a lot. Also, get a therapist. That is okay. That's an okay thing. And I think that's an important. That's an important part. part of, I think, the whole check-in process is you don't want to keep making your partner the emotional dumping ground because that is, that is really hard to deal with. Another thing to consider is that your religion of check-ins are a shared responsibility. It's not one partner's job to lead the charge on relationship check-ins. A healthy relationship overall is interdependent. It's two independent people who are working together. And that means that each or all or both of your partners have not only the equal ability, but the equal responsibility to lead that check-in, to schedule out the next one, to maybe create the agenda, to lead that conversation. This is especially true if you've been falling into the halt category for a while, if you just haven't been able to, maybe you've just been angry for a while, or you've just been tired for a while. or in my case, you've just been sick for a while. It's okay that the other partner creates that relationship check-in and walks through that process as a way, not just to reconnect, but to show that they're also there in that supportive function. So if you are busy or if you're tired or if you're sick, like I have been, having your partner be able to lead that feels awfully good. and it feels awfully supported, and it avoids that feeling of, why am I always the one doing this? Another consideration is to show up to your check-in, prepared and focused. This isn't a casual come-in cold, oh, oh, it's 10 o'clock on a Sunday. It's time for our check-in. Oh, I better, I better, you know, better get ready for that. Like, come in and be prepared. Having given that a little bit of thought, There is nothing worse than having an important discussion with your partner that just isn't present. Likewise, it should also feel bad if you aren't present. There should be a guilty feeling about I'm not present here. And then being able to call that out like, hey, wait a minute, I could use 30 minutes. I just got to get reconvobulated and focused. If you're showing up and you haven't read through the topics, if you haven't considered things that you want to be included in the conference, conversation. If you're in a, if you're in a distraction full environment, that stuff shuts the conversation down and it shifts the conversation into relationship management. And that is where you start to get into the danger zone around a supportive conversation about your relationship that's moving forward. If you're constantly waiting for your partner to deal with the distraction or they just never have anything to talk about in the, yeah, all that's fine. I don't really have anything to say. I don't really have anything to say. Oh, I haven't really given this any thought. That feels like shit to be very honest with you. And it ought to feel like shit for the partner that's doing that. Whether it's a pattern or it's a one-off, it is incumbent upon all of us to be able to come in prepared and focus for that conversation. regard your partner, regard your relationship, and regard it in a way that allows you to be kind of look at this stuff ahead of time, come in focused and ready. Yeah, it is a very clear signal to your partner that you don't value your relationship if you don't show up prepared and you don't do your side of the work. Like you have to have it be even work. Like it may not feel even all the time. But if your partner is preparing an agenda and they're scheduling it and they're doing all the work to make this happen, And then you just show up like a teenager that can't put down their phone, they can't focus, they don't want to help you. Like, I really do like in that to like talking like a talking to a teenager, right? They're very shifty. So put your phone on mute, put in another room. This is not the time to talk to other partners. This is not the time to check your mail. This is not the time to like fiddle around and do whatever. And if you are a person that is neurospicy that needs to fidget or do something like that, then make it a walk, make it something else so that it is going to be a shared focus point. You really have to do the work to be prepared because Doc is completely right. It is going to feel like crap if you show up fully prepared and your partner can't even make 10 minutes to review the topic. Or I'll say this without exposing my own relationship too much, but like there's usually one partner in their relationship that's more dominant. And that could be in a corporate sense or whatever, but like someone's run in the house, told. Even if you have shared responsibilities and things like that, there's the one partner that schedules everything, does all the doctor's appointments, sets up the calendar, does all that kind of stuff. And then there's the other partner that's like, tell me what to do and I'll do it. So if you are the partner that's very type A and that is on it, it is really discouraging to have the partners show up and literally say, well, I don't have anything to say on this topic or this isn't really a big deal to me. Like that just feels invalidating. So show up prepared. Recognize that it's your responsibility. It takes two or three or Marcia Tango. So you can't have a relationship check-in with the other person if the other person is not fully present for you. Thanks for listening to the episode so far. Let's talk about something that's been a lifesaver in the middle of this beautiful, busy polyamory life, and that is staying hydrated and energized. Let's be real. Between managing multiple relationships, keeping up with work, parenting, and just squeezing in a little bit of self-care, it's easy to forget the basics, like drinking enough and staying hydrated. And that's where Drink Element comes in. That's Drink Element, L-M-N-T. It's an electrolyte replacement drink that's become my go-to for feeling good, no matter how hectic things get. Whether it's bouncing between dates, coordinating schedules with multiple partners, or just surviving the day-to-day hustle, Element helps me stay connected and focused on the people that matter most of me. And it's not just hydration. It's clean hydration. With an emphasis on the salt your body needs, there's no sugar or artificial junk. It's just the right science-based balance of electrolytes to keep your body and your mind fueled. Personally, right now I'm obsessed with the citrus salt flavor, and I recommend it. Here's the best part. Because you're listening to the Polypathways podcast, Element is offering you a free sample pack of their top flavors with your first. purchase. Just go to the affiliate link in the show notes and get yours today. Trust me what I tell you, the staying hydrated should not be another thing to stress out about in this whirlwind of polyamory. Drink element makes that easy. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Now let's get back to the episode. There are also some improvements that we can make to this process that come from experience and they come from literature and they come from other people who talk about relationship check-ins. And I think it's the multi-amry radar template and tool is good. It's a great starting place, especially if you've never had a check-in before. These are probably some things that you will find over time, or you might say, oh, that makes sense. I'll just incorporate that right now. So let's talk first a little bit about some successes and struggles around relationship check-ins that I have experienced. I'm not going to talk about anything. that I haven't experienced. In the past, a great, as we've talked about, the great success point here is that it is a slated time to talk about the important matters of your relationship, of your household, of your family, however your polycule is structured. It creates that sense of confidence that these things are important, so important that we're going to spend time to focus on that at Sunday, at 10 o'clock, and that's when we're going to have our discussion so that if you are struggling with attachment, if you are struggling with anxiety, if you are struggling with hypervigilance or neurospiciness and can't get to it, knowing that that's there, knowing that that's there can help you to self-soothe. But it's also a time where you can talk about the mundane details of your relationship. Oh, we've got the electric bill. Oh, you know, we've got to go food shopping. Do you see what was on sale at the grocery store? This mundane day-to-day stuff is not relationship-focused. It's important, but this is also something you can throw in. So the relationship check-in allows us to deal with the important stuff and the mundane stuff so that our relationships can stay vibrant and alive. I love that point. Like, I don't want you to think of relationship check-ins as this heavy, heavy burden every single time, right? Some of us straight up don't like that. the emotional work, right? We hate conflict. We hate having these huge emotional discussions. We'd rather just go about our day. So by adding in some of that other stuff, it can help to normalize the experience as just another conversation. And if you don't have dedicated one-on-one time with your partner regularly, this can quickly go from being a mundane meeting to maybe one or two heavier emotional topics or things that you really need to talk about. It's okay to have that crossover. Again, this is not a corporate meaning. It does not have to be rigid. That's right. And in having that kind of random emotionally heavy conversation all of the time, that creates, that also leads to saturation. And that isn't unique to just your relationship. If you're having emotionally heavy conversations with lots of people at random, that that does wear on you. And that's that's honestly, that's a pretty recent realization in my life that, you know, these heavy conversations that are that are just taking place is emotional labor as labor too. But the check-in is a great process and template for allowing you to move through difficult conversations. So if your relationship has suffered a struggle or has suffered a breach or a rupture in some way, the radar template can absolutely, and the check-in process can absolutely help you move through those difficult conversations. Again, not with a sense of immediacy or urgency, just as a sense of process. We don't need to solve everything in a conversation. This isn't a sitcom. It's not a TV show or resolve some world crisis in an hour. These are real things that we can deal with. So those are some success. And we've talked about different ones throughout the first segment. But it's also a struggle. And these are some things that we kind of need to pay attention to and deal with it. And in my own experience, sometimes the relationship check-in or the rigidity around a relationship check-in can often feel like that's the only time we have to talk. Or it feels like, especially if you or your partner are going through a difficult week or a difficult period, that check-in can feel like I don't have any support right now and I need some. That's not the case. We need to be reminded that we can talk about anything at any time. This check-in process just allows us to have that point in time. And again, the process allows for pop-ups and allows us to be able to say, Let's shut down. Let's focus on this right now and go through this process around what we're feeling. The other place that it struggles is that relationship check-ins can sometimes fall into that trap of focusing on others and not focusing on you and your partner. So you start getting into your partner's other partner. You start getting into your metas. You start to getting into, you know, all the people at work and all the people in your other person's life or all the people in your life and all the people in your life. what you're dealing with, rather than just the two of you. Now, this can be complicated if you're sharing a family raising entanglement and that's part of the check-in, like, what are we going to do about the kids this week or whatever? What are we going to do with your aging parents that are infirmed? Those things have a place in the check-in, but what I can tell you from experience is if the conversation is constantly about my partner and their meta or about me and my other partner, That creates a very adversarial and acrimonious environment because you cannot talk about the real issues that are going on between the two of you. And it doesn't focus proactively. Instead, it focuses reactively and on limitations and dangerously gets into controlling and other things like that. So this is where we can start making some improvements around the check-in that are based in literature. And the first one that I think that we should talk about here is Jessica Fern's work in Polysecure and around attachment. Jessica Fern's Polysecure emphasizes the importance of a secure attachment sense of self. I feel securely attached in myself and creating those secure attachments within the relationship. The Polysecure also uses trauma-informed approaches so that we can use some trauma-informed theory to help us. understand and improve the relationship of check-in, especially if you and or your partner are going through trauma, dealing with mental wellness, or just having a hard time. Trauma-informed isn't just for trauma. It creates a sense of belonging and welcome and safety in the conversation, which leads us to the other part of Polysecure and Fern's work, which is around creating emotional safety. So the emotional part, I think, is really important because how you, you begin the session is kind of the energy you bring going in. Like not to get all woo-woo on you, but if you are still engrossed in like the last activity and you're holding over from what you're doing, that's when it does start to feel really corporate. Like you're just jumping from meeting to meeting to meeting. So that emotional prop is really important. So begin your check-in by grounding, whatever that means to you. If it's just stopping, closing your eyes and taking a breath to be ready, do that. Maybe you need to connect with your partner first, whether that's something, big or something small, like maybe make a cup of coffee together or do something that brings you a little bit of connection so you can start in a place where you're like, yes, we're in this together. This is not something either of us are being forced into. Yeah, I often like this is a tool that I've used inconsistently, but it's a tool that I really like and that's to share our wins for the week or for the day to rather than kivetching and bitching about what's been going on or problems with other people. sharing our wins. So what's a win you had today? Helps to see your partner and their success. And that's often, that's often very helpful. I love that. Another tool is this idea of validation and reassurance. So Fern in her work stresses that building secure attachment often requires that we are reaffirming our love, our trust, and our commitment to each other, to ourselves, to our relationship, to, each of us, to us individually. And so during the review and the discuss portion of the check-in, being intentional about affirming your partner's value in their emotional security. So, for example, you know, I've observed that you've been giving a lot of time to these other conversations, and I'm feeling a little bit alone. The response to that could very well be, you know, I hadn't really seen it that way, but you're absolutely right. I can see where those conversations take some emotional load. I'm sorry that I can see your perspective and I'm sorry that that's the case. Could I ask for help in understanding that a little bit more? Or could I ask for help and how I might be able to unwind those conversations so that I can't focus? But there's also some trauma-informed adjustments that I think the process really could benefit from. And the biggest one amongst them is this idea of a. safe word. These can be emotionally heavy conversations, and this is not something you can only do in check-ins. You can absolutely have kind of a conversational safe word that helps you to create that pause so the conversation can stop and move forward. Sometimes we think in our head, we said, hey, I need a minute. Can you give me 30 minutes and come back? But we didn't. We've just been running a dialogue at our head. So sometimes there's this kind of imaginary request that we needed more time because our bodies or our minds are nervous system needs it. But the use of a safe word, so pulling in from trauma informed, pulling in also from kink community, there might be an intersection there, is to set up a safe word or a plan if that conversation becomes so overwhelming, either for you to use because you're overwhelmed or for you to use with your partner when you see them becoming overwhelmed. Again, part of that validation, part of that reassurance, part of that emotional security, hey, doc, I see you're getting a little agitated. I can hear it in your tone of voice. Let's take it. Let's take 30 minutes and maybe it's reconnect or go get a drink or take a shower or go for a walk or whatever it might be. Go yell at the trees. That's what they're good at that. I actually, I'll counter that point. I'm not a big fan of the same. word in conversations. And the reason why is it stops the flow of conversation. So say I'm on a rant and I'm just popping off and I'm going and going and going and going. If somebody interrupts me to use a safe word, I feel like that's going to agitate me even more. And it has. If somebody's like, whoa, whoa. And if you're a woman, I'm going to say the words, calm down. You're getting emotional. Like whatever your safe word is, that's the vibe it might come with. So know your partner. If a safe word is not do it. Maybe you have a ridiculous sign. So if you've ever been to a meat raffle, I might be reaching here, you get a little popsicle stick with a little thing on it where you can just hold it up and that's your signal that you want to get in the raffle. Maybe it's a hand gesture. Maybe it is just like a palm up being like, whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down. Universal simple for calm down. Or a one finger up, like, give me a minute. Something like that where you've got something in your hand or like if I raise my hand or if I like push back from the table, like maybe if a word is not there because I'm all about being respectful when people are talking, right? I don't want to interrupt you to use a safe word, even if I feel like you need it because I don't want to agitate you further, especially if it's in that place of agitation. So maybe it's an object. Maybe it's like if I hold up, you know, this flower planter or my right hand or whatever it may be, that might be a good alternative depending on how your partner handled that type of information and that type of interruption. The other thing I would say is to make sure you're using dental language when you're having these conversations. You know, when you're talking about your relationship, if you're getting heated or if you're bringing up topics that are, you know, I would say likely to get heated, it is very common for us as people, and I still struggle with this often, is to generalize and kind of bucket everything together. You never. never listen to me or you always go off with her or you're always making time for him. Why don't you make time for me? Any type of those always never types of situations, there's no value to them because first of all, they're not true. Somebody's not doing something always. And somebody's not doing something never. If they were, you wouldn't be in the relationship to begin with. But those generalizations don't do anything but bring hurt to the table. So instead, focus on how you're feeling about it. Like, I feel like you're not making time for me. I feel like I need more time with you. I need to know that you care just as much about me as you do about him. Something like that where it's a reflection of yourself is way more powerful than a criticism and a generalization about your partner. So those are all kind of my trauma triggers that I like to include in that adjustment. period. But you should really consider that emotional check-ins are a place for you to deepen your vulnerability, your intimacy, and things like that. In my therapy journey, I once had a therapist tell me that I have a problem with being vulnerable. I don't like to be vulnerable. I don't like to accept help. I don't need anything. I don't need anybody. I am a strong-ass independent woman, and you can't tell me otherwise. And she gratefully sent me a podcast or a TED talk. It was a TED talk of someone explaining why we are so resisted to vulnerability. But having that vulnerability and intimacy with your partner builds your relationship stronger. So if you can find some personal reflection or journaling prior to your check-in to check-in with yourself, that can be really powerful. It's not just your partner's job to show up for you. You have to show up for them. So do a little inner reflection. I like to meditate on the yogi. I like to do that kind of stuff. But I'll often spend that time on the mat kind of thinking through what's going on with me so that I, again, can be fully prepared for that conversation. Maybe you need to go take a walk. But find that, again, find that break from normal life. So you're in the right headspace to have these conversations. And I know that seems like just asking for more of your super valuable time. But it is important, right? It doesn't have to be long. It doesn't have to be, you know, 75 minutes of yoga. It can be something short and sweet just to get you ready. So maybe it's a set of exercises. Maybe it's just you reflect in a firm moment where you're going to start at the beginning of your connection session and just say, you know, I appreciate this about you. And I appreciate you making time today. And I'm really glad that we're doing this. It's a time to reflect on yourself and say, okay, I'm going to enter this with a good heart. And then when you get there, acknowledging that in the other person. Like, I'm really glad we're doing this. This is a really good thing that's going to bring us together. Trying to make it a compliment sandwich. This is not a forced activity. It's just an opportunity to you just start that vulnerability and intimacy from the beginning. That's really an important part that sort of thanking people for their vulnerability, thanking people for the ability to have the conversation is helpful because it also adds to the emotional bank account that you can deal with more difficult things. When I know that you're grateful for this conversation, I know that I'm grateful for your vulnerability. Those are deposits into the emotional bank account. When things get tough, you need that deposit there. You need both people to have been putting resource and energy into that emotional place. Yeah. So take your moment away from your partner to pause and get ready and then take that first moment together to pause and reaffirm why you're doing this and why this is important. This is something I took from Annie M. Dunn and Laura Boyle's session on peaceful polyamory recently. And that was not focusing on resolving every issue or especially complex or complicated issues. Allowing for the topics that come up in relationship of check-ins to have the space that they need or the time that they need to incubate, to think on, to reflect, to get clarity on, that pause. is really critical. So the relationship check-in can also be a time of saying, hey, this is something that I'm seeing going on in our relationship, and I don't need to solve it right now, but I do want to bring this up for a point, for a point so we can talk about it maybe next time. It's an observation, it's a feeling, and it's an action step. So it fits that radar model by just saying, this is just an observation I've made. I don't have any thoughts on it right the second, and I just need to give this the space and time. it's also a place in the conversation where you can say, I don't think we're going to be able to resolve this right now. I feel like maybe we're getting upset and I need to put a pin in this. So just give it more space, more time. And then add to that, establish a timeline. Hey, can we revisit this one particular thing maybe in a week? Just because it's every six weeks or every month or every two weeks, doesn't mean you can't have special follow-ups and use that radar method. Meanwhile, and maybe before, just as Kat mentioned, but in the meanwhile, when these topics come up, use things like journaling and reflection and therapy. If we haven't mentioned that you should have a therapist, you should have a therapist that you can talk to about your problems, not just your best buddy. And be able to revisit this, be able to revisit it in a clear mind. use the pause effectively by investing in your relationship and your actions in that relationship through journaling and reflection and getting therapy. Consider this your reminder that therapy is a wonderful thing and you should probably have a therapist because we're all going through it. We all have gone through it. And there's more stuff to go through. So I didn't mean to therapy shame you if you weren't, but I really want to enforce my feelings that you should be in therapy. everyone should be. For sure. Big therapy, fan, over here. The last thing I want to talk about that I think is really important to specifically polyamorous relationship check-ins is this is an opportunity for you to go back and revisit some of your boundaries and the changes that might have occurred in your relationship. This is not an excuse to go rehash old problems and to dig up old wounds and do all that stuff. That's not what I mean. What I mean is polyamory in general is very fluid, right? So people come and go. You have different layers of relationships. Some people are escalating. Some people are de-escalating. It is probably more challenging in the way that we experience more change than our monogamous counterparts. Even if you're a serial data, the complexity is just there. Right. And as you evolve your relationships, whether you have one, whether you have many, whether you're closed or open or things like that, your boundaries might. change. Right. Great example is when I first started dating my boyfriend, you know, we had very specific boundaries on where we were going to spend time together, how much time we were going to spend. And they were pretty, I don't want to say they were rigid. We all agreed to them. So they were, in fact, boundaries, but they were very restrictive because of how we wanted to protect the children in the relationship and, you know, things like that. And as time went on, if we had not revisited those in a check in capacity. Like, you could be running with the same boundaries that were in place two years ago and your relationships that evolved beyond that or you just are in a different place. And it's really easy to kind of forget to have those conversations about, oh, you know, actually you've been picking up my kids from school every day this week. And technically, we still have this boundary in place that, you know, you're not supposed to be hanging around when the kids are around. You know, stuff like that can get kind of kick to the side or not really addressed fully. And you want to have everybody on the same page, right? So if there's step parents involved, if there's other people and your molecule involved, I think this comes up the most probably with kids in space, right? Revisit those boundaries. Be like, hey, couple check-ins ago we talked about these boundaries. Are these still working for everybody? Because boundaries are agreements between parties. Are these still working for everybody? Do we still think these are fair? Do we need to revisit these? Did we say we were going to revisit at these in three months. I'm a big fan of putting boundaries in place with an expiration date in ways of we're going to talk about this in three months and readdress it. Either it's going to stay the same, it's going to change, it's going to go away or whatever, just so that you have that checkpoint in your head because if somebody agrees to something now, that doesn't mean they're going to feel that way forever. So feel free to use this as a way to check in on some of those boundaries and see if the sands have shifted a little bit. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, consider subscribing and follow us at Poly Pathways podcast on all the social medias that you enjoy. Our last segment here talks about the role that each partner needs to play in the relationship check-in process. And there's a lot, there's a lot to this, right? Again, and we talked about this shared responsibility a lot, it's worth revisiting so that you understand the importance of that check-ins are a shared responsibility. It is not one partner's job to lead, plan, dictate, schedule, be in charge of the entire process, while the other is just a passive passenger in the relationship. everyone should come prepared to lead that conversation, especially if maybe it isn't your week, but you realize your partner has been having a tough go. You've been like, hey, you know what, why don't I take this one on? I'm ready to go on it. That they're ready to share, that you're both ready to share what you're thinking, that you're ready to listen and ready to support. Part of this becoming a shared responsibility, and that doesn't mean it's like every other week we got to switch. You don't have to put a lot of structure into it, though you could if you need to. But part of it being a shared responsibility is it prevents a really unwelcome and sometimes unexpected power dynamic. Or it might parentalize one of the partners who's always in charge while the other partner isn't doing their part or isn't coming prepared or is just a passive. So in parentalizing terms, it would be the child, which comes with a lot of bad fields. That's not the intention. But if someone's parentalized, like they're managing the relationship as opposed to being in the relationship, that sucks. That's a sucky feeling. And it can lead to a lot of things like codependence and unfair power dynamics and resentment and regret and all those things. Decide collectively on a time that works for all parties and protect that time from interruption. We talked about this gold color on your calendar. And if the established time that you have doesn't work for a pop-up issue or just you know that something else is going to happen, having advanced time to plan the next check-in helps. So, again, that shared responsibility of not just sideswiping your partner saying, hey, we need to talk about XYZ, but saying, hey, like, I see we both have time on our calendars tomorrow night. Can we talk about XYZ and give each other the time to prepare and come prepared? shared facilitation is a huge part of relationships remaining healthy and interdependent and balanced. Each partner can lead a check-in, but also lead aspects of that check-in. Maybe you're just not the family financial person and the other partner is. Being able to switch off responsibilities for check-ins as a whole or within parts of the check-in can really be helpful. This is especially true if your partner is just really occupied or they're busy or maybe they've been sick for a while or maybe it's just not their specialty. This can really help and help to maintain that balance and the check-in. Also, if you realize you haven't taken a lead for a while, maybe step up to that. Maybe say, hey, I haven't done this in a while and I'd like to do that. It also helps in that where if you have a shared digital space where you can create an agenda or a list of items that you want to talk about, maybe it's a shared note in your phone, or maybe I'm a big fan of Google Docs and sharing Google Docs makes a great space for you to be able to do that. And that's a big part of sharing that responsibility is using digital tools to help you to make that easy. So it's not like, well, I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go to do this. Yeah, I've recently become a bigger fan. I mean, we're an Apple House. So sharing the notes, like you can share a note with somebody and you can use a little like checkmark button and just add stuff to it. I'm also a big fan of share grocery lists. So we used to have an app that did all our grocery list and we had a side app going for, you know, things that we were going to talk about and stuff like that. But sharing the agenda is huge. You want to feel like you're contributing, like everybody is contributing to the agenda, to the topics list. If it's just me bringing my dirty laundry every time, you know, that's going to be overwhelming and it's not going to be a good conversation. And I want this focus to be also on active listening and reflective listening. So be an active listener when you were there. It is your job to be an active listener. It is their job to be an active listener. Everybody needs to kind of listen and reflect back what they're hearing. So I like to say, does that make sense? I will ask people to clarify that they understood me. Does that make sense? If I'm giving a lot of information or I'm saying a lot of words, I will often ask people all over the place, does that make sense? And they'll tell you yes or no, or be like, no, maybe you can explain that a little bit better. In my way of giving an app back to other people is, so I'm hearing you say X, Y, and Z are important to you, and that we need to discuss ABC. Like, I'm actually repeating what they said to me to prove that I understood them. And that's for me as well. So I remember the conversation because, again, my brain will water off in a different direction and not remember the entirety of the conversation. but if I say the words back, it gives me more recollection later to prove that I'm an active listener. And some of that active listening is also that everyone is contributing. So we did talk about shared responsibility. There's an overlap here, but that everyone contributes to that conversation. So it's not just Kat talking through what she needs to talk to and her partner saying, okay, that's not a contribution. That's being a passenger. And that's not like, so everybody needs to contribute. So again, come prepared. But come with notes or thoughts or jot down your ideas about what's on the agenda if it's established ahead of time or topics and events that you want to discuss past, future, whatever it might be. Be able to offer personal perspectives as well. Oh, that reminds me of a time when this happened or when I experienced. that that's how I felt I can imagine that you feel like that. Be able to be creative about the solutions and the thoughts that you share with that person. Yeah, but make sure I will say this because I have a habit of doing this when someone's telling me something about them and I go to offer a personal perspective. It's because I want them to feel like I've been there and that I understand because I've had a shared experience. Some people are not a fan of that because it feels like you're trying to make it about you. I learned this through some of my my training and some of my own self-development that if somebody's telling you something and then you counter it with something that happened to you, they feel like you're taking it away from them. So again, know your partners, know what they respond to. If they do find your shared experience validating, this is a great place to offer that personal perspective and be like, yeah, I know Bob at work sucks. I had a gym at my work and he was awful, just awful. So I know what you're going through in that. vein, know your partner and make sure that what they're asking for is what you're giving back. So if they want the validation, if they want ideas for how to resolve, make sure you're responding to what they told you that they needed. Absolutely. And a good way around that is I've had similar experiences. I absolutely can understand what you're feeling and maybe try to ask questions, can I ask questions for clarity, but also asking, do you need me to adhere you, support you? or solve with you this problem. Not solve for you, solve with you. So the other thing is to make sure that everyone contributes, not just through the agenda, but also through the emotional support that takes place within the relationship of check-in. Oh, and by the way, if you haven't figured it out by now, you can use this in all your conversations in your partnership. But being able to see when someone is anxious or upset or stressed or they're starting to become defensive and use whatever means you've agreed to to kind of pause that conversation. But don't let this kind of absolve them from having to speak up on their own behalf. Okay. I had a partner tell me one time that they were distressed because they had lost, like they felt like I was no longer, you know, understanding them. And what it really came down to was I was no longer anticipating their thoughts, their moves and their feelings and moving your appropriately. I was counting on them to tell me how they were feeling. And I got a lot of, well, you should just know. You should just know because I had always future forecasted what I thought they were going through and responded accordingly. Trust your partner to tell you what's going on with them. Yes, you can be aware and try to provide support if you're recognizing the signs of someone being upset or stressed. You know, sometimes you see it in our face, right? But don't put it on yourself to be able to read their emotions and read their things that they're not going to say it out loud. So I like that part clear because, you know. Yeah, it's everybody's responsibility, right? To keep to keep the value on the conversation being productive. So when it's not becoming productive, if someone doesn't see it, see it for them. If you see it, see it and say so. And but you're absolutely right. It is incumbent upon us individually to say, I'm feeling anxious or upset. Sometimes that's hard. It's a partnership. So the value here is this conversation and this relationship being good. It's not okay for us to check out from our partner or just check out of ourselves. So, and that's really, that really everybody contributing towards the value of this conversation and the partnership, that's what helps maintain the environment of empathy and compassion, not just for the check-in, but the. times in between. And it's everybody's role at the final stage of this to help sustain the process, right? So when you sit down, not to sound like a doctor's appointment, but you schedule your next director's appointment while you're at with the doctor, right? You don't wait and say, I'm going to call back later. So this is kind of your reminder to schedule the next check-in before ending the current one. Whether you do that right when you sit down or immediately afterwards towards the end before your reconnection activity, like build that consistency. You know, it's not rigid. It's consistency. And magic happens from consistency. So if someone asks for more time or a follow-up, account for this in the next meeting or schedule two meetings. Maybe you need a pop-up to discuss a deep topic. Maybe you're planning to move to another state. Maybe you're planning to take a new job. Maybe you need to schedule something for one specific topic that came up during your check-in to give the dedicated time it needs. So schedule all of that. And really, then on a positive note, like this might seem like a lot of work. You're probably already doing some of this, right? You have conversations with your partner. This is just trying to add a layer of directionality to it so that it can be productive. And again, be preventative maintenance for bad things going wrong. Will bad things happen? Maybe. Will you get frustrated and heated? Yes. This is an ideal scenario where humans, we're imperfect stuff happens. But you could make this fun. I really don't want you to think about this as like homework or your next meeting. Maybe, you know, you do a fun group activity every month, something that's affectionate, something that's a shared moment of gratitude. You know, I plan on going, we go away as a polycule. We try to go once a year, but sometimes we go twice a year if we want to spare and spend a holiday together. Maybe, you know, you have some type of event every month or every couple of months or something like that as a whole pollicle. And then maybe you have smaller check-ins along the way. If all you have is date night, recognizing that not everybody has the time and the resources and things like that, if you're working multiple jobs, if you've got a lot of partners and you've got a lot of stuff in your life, try to make time for this. It is important, but don't stress yourself out further by turning it into something it's not, right? This is a value add to your relationship. It is not another chore, okay? Absolutely. I mean, it sounds like this is a lot of work. The reality is once you've done this a few times, it really becomes second nature to you and you can make improvements as you go. It has added a lot of value to relationships because it allows us to have the fun. times in between times, right? And being able to sustain it by ending on it, just reminding, hey, this was just a little sideline, but the rest of this is fun times. High five, let's move on. And honestly, I've started doing this with my kids, right? I have a monthly date one-on-one with each of my children where we just go out and do something fun. And sometimes it's a walk at the park, sometimes it's something a little more fun. But I use that opportunity to check in with them. How are things at school? How are things with your sister? How are things going in your environment, you know, do you have any questions for me? I'm, you know, your mom, you can trust me. And having that one-to-one connection, it's not just, you know, for your lovers and your partners and your people and your pollicle. It's for your family members. Think of the last time you had a checking conversation, you know, maybe with a parent in your life. Did you sit down and have coffee with your dad recently? You know, stuff like that is really important. So make time for these types of check-ins with your people because they are. are your people and they're always in your network. Thank you for joining us today. It is really important to go through relationship check-ins, no matter what their relationship is. It can help your polyamorous relationships keep running smoothly. And I hope you took away some information from attachment and trauma formed and emotional safety work that we've had in there. Not to mention some of our shared experiences, right? We're all in this together. And most importantly, I hope you really took this as the role you should play with your partners and also how we need to do this to develop and support interdependence and balance in all of these relationships, right? It's about balance and communication first and foremost so that we can live happier and more fulfilled lives. Try a relationship check-in. So take as much or as little away from the show notes as you want because we're going to have some of this written out in there. Check out Jessica Fern's work on polysecure to learn more about attachment specific to polyamory. You can comment on this episode and ask us questions as we want, but really try to make time with your partner or your partners individually or together as a group to do one check-in. Try it on. See how it feels. It might be a little awkward at first, but I would like you to try it at least three times. I know that's a lot. I'm asking for a lot. You can do it. See how it works for you. See what doesn't work for you. And then use those suggestions to make your relationships better. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, consider subscribing and follow us at Poly Pathways podcast on all the social medias that you enjoy.
