Kat & Doc
Welcome to the Poly Pathways podcast, helping you create paths for practical polyamory. Your hosts are Kat and Doc. We're glad you're here. Hey everybody and welcome back to Polypathways podcast. We're so glad you're here. Whether you're polyamorous or curious about polyamory, whether you've been doing this for a while or you're brand new to it, you are very welcome here. Today we're going to be talking about the topic that every poly person experiences or most poly people experience, and that is the idea of saturation. When have we had just too much or when do we have too much going on in our poly world? We're going to take a look at what are the signs of saturation? What do cat and I? How do we experience saturation when we get there? How do you navigate it? We're going to look at things like what does it feel like for us? How do you talk to your other partners about it to navigate that saturated feeling, whether that's temporarily or long term? How do you manage it? How do you maintain those meaningful connections through saturation times? If you're enjoying this content so far, if you're interested in this episode in a deeper way, please absolutely subscribe, leave a review for us on your favorite podcast platform and share the podcast with your polygule and your friends. So what is saturation and how do you recognize it? The biggest way we define saturation is when you feel emotionally or logistically maxed out in managing all your multiple relationships. So in polyamory, the beautiful gift of polyamory is that you can be involved in multiple relationships at a time. You can be doing lots of things. But it can also lead to a feeling like you never have a moment to breathe or slow down for a second. And that's when you start to approach that point of saturation. So even if you're not polyamorous, you might have experienced this in real life, right? It doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. So say you're working, you've got a big friend group, you know, you have lots of animals in your house, you have a lot of things going on with your family. You can feel that point of saturation when you're doing too much. Think of it as you're doing too much. And it doesn't have to mean the sexy way. Like you're not doing too many people. It's just there's too much that you're packing in, you only have a limited capacity for what you can tolerate as a human being. Love is limitless, as we like to say, in polyamorous circles. But if you reach that point romantically where you're constantly negotiating, you're constantly dating, you're constantly planning, and you're spending a large portion of your energy, kind of nurturing and managing relationships and not really leaving anything for yourself, you might be approaching that point of saturation where you're constantly exhausted. So we're going to go through some of the signs, but I wanted to pull in a quote that Annie Undone recently threw up on her Instagram. And it says, it's okay to feel like you need a break from the constant emotional work of polyamory. And I'm paraphrasing here. It's okay and necessary to take those breaks and build in time for just enjoyment where you aren't focusing on the work of growth. As we like to say in some of the circles that you go in, he can't pour from an empty cup, right? And, And even though you can seek a lot of these relationships out and to be constantly dating, polyamore's work, right? You have to do the emotional work to be able to manage those relationships successfully because there is not a default normal that you can just lean into that feels safe and supportive, right? There's that work that's involved with making sure everything is going off as planned. So don't try to pour from that empty cup and look for those signs that you're approaching your saturation point. That's right. It is easy, I think, in polyamory to get to that place of overwhelmed, just feeling emotionally overwhelmed or mentally or just spiritually overwhelmed by the amount of connection that we have, communication that we use in our relationships, are all part of that emotional labor of being in relationship. And the signs that we're getting to that place of saturation, that place of overwhelm, can range from just feeling like you're running out of time, that you're physically exhausted, maybe you're just, I got to sleep until 14 o'clock. I just can't get up for the day. Or you're starting to have some emotional feelings or insecure about meeting your partner's needs. And there's just a lot going on inside of all of these different signs. So I want to talk about some different things that we experience in terms of our emotional signs. The first one for me really is feeling really, overwhelmed that I, as I usually call it, the wheels are starting to come off the bus here. Like, I'm struggling to balance the needs of my partners, my own emotional needs, and just really struggling. Like I'm, and I start to, this comes out in ways of why can't, like, why can't you just deal with this? Like, why do I have to deal with this? And the reality is I don't have to deal with it. It's just that I'm feeling like I'm not present. I'm feeling like I'm not there to listen intently or intentionally. to my partners and I'm starting to feel that overwhelm. And usually this starts to feel a little bit executive for me too. It's like, I say less here. I need the bullet points for this. And I start to start to go down those roads. And that leads me to the next thing, right, which is feeling really irritable or resentful to myself, the people around me, my partners, whatever it might be, those little things start to gnaw at you and nibble at you and start to just kind of, that just kind of brain bug starts to say, God, why can't they just deal with this? Why can't this just happen? And unfortunately, in polyamory, you also have a built-in, you have a built-in support system by which you can sometimes be like, I don't know why this person is being like this, or I don't know why I feel like this. And hopefully your polychial is like, maybe you're just overwhelmed right now. The other thing that happens is in my life, and then the lives of other people is this sort of disconnection, this emotional disconnection or disassociation, where you're just, it's impossible to find time to invest in the existing relationship. It becomes really transactional. It becomes very superficial. It's very surface level type of stuff. And certainly you've lost your interest in investing in new things. Maybe you wanted to learn how to rollerblade and, I don't know what rollerblading is anymore. Maybe you wanted to learn how to rollerblade or go, or learn how to do a craft and you're like, ah, I can't, I can't get into that right now. These are good signs that you might be at, at an emotional point of saturation. Yeah, that is definitely a big one for me where I feel like I lose interest in things that I care about or even people that I care about because I'm just so wrung out that I start to emotionally disconnect with things that used to bring me joy. That's a huge one for me. Yeah, for me as well, I start to, things start to set. We set things to the side. And well, I'll talk about that in a minute, right? Because what we're leading up to here is this overall feeling of burnout that just everything is just too much. It's just exhausting. It's exhausting to get up. It's exhausting to get ready. It's exhausting to get in the car and run this air in and you find yourself door dashing every single meal. And you just are just completely overwhelmed and burned out. And more importantly about burnout is that you just don't care. It's not that you don't have the time or the space, which you don't, but you also find yourself not caring, going back to that feeling of resentment or irritability or lack of care. Some of the kind of signs of this for me is, as Katz's mentioned, it's like you start to give up on your own hobbies. You start to give up on your interests. There's are things that I'm a serial hobbyist. I'm always giving up on my hobbies. So it's difficult for me to often know that I'm giving up on things, but I'm giving up on my responsibilities. I'm giving up on my interests. giving up on things like, I know that, you know, Friday is chore day, and so I do chores. And then, as it turns out, Saturday is kind of chore day, but it takes all day to do that chore as opposed to just real quick things. So I start to sacrifice that. I also start to sacrifice things that I love, things that I want to do, whether that's a favorite TV show or whether that's going hiking or backpacking, those senses of sacrificing, things that you like to do personally, individually, and you might be giving that. time to nothing, but probably more than likely you're giving all of that time to your partners and their needs and what they want to do because you're reaching a point where something has to give and you're very likely to give up on yourself. One of the kind of signs here is that sense of giving up on yourself. You find yourself not being able to spend the amount of time you want or you need to on the people, the places, the things, the events, the situations that are happening in your life. Some of these things are the routine things that you do every day, but you're also finding yourself lacking the space to deal with anything that might be unexpected. Which kind of leads us into some of the time-related signs. This is a big one for me. Before I start to experience like the emotional burnout, I start to experience those time-related signs. I am a super busy human and I know a lot of people say that, but obviously I have a family, I have a lot of responsibilities. I have multiple jobs and multiple businesses. I do, a lot of things, a lot of stuff. So naturally, my Google calendar looks like someone threw up a Jackson Pollock up there. But that's the number one sign when I know that too much is going on, right? I start to see scheduling conflicts where I'm struggling to find time for those things I enjoy, for all my partners, for all my hobbies, for work, for self-care, you know. And I feel like I'm constantly trying to manage my calendar instead of managing my life, right? I'm just trying to puzzle piece everything in there and make room for every little thing. And instead of bringing me joy, when things come up in that calendar, it's, oh, it's another thing I have to do. It becomes almost like a checklist and a to do list versus a calendar full of things that I love. And that's when I start to experience that time-related burnout where my life is revolving around logistics. instead of actual connection and conversations. On top of that, I start to have very limited downtime. So I rarely have time alone to recharge, to kind of unplug, and just kind of lay out on the couch and be, you know, doing nothing. I don't have a lot of those nothing blocks. And I struggle with nothing time as a human in general, simply because I like to be busy. I like to be doing a lot of things. That's a function of my neurospiciness and how it manifests. is I actually struggle to relax and have downtime. But I've also noticed how my partners respond to that, where they struggle to find time with me because I'm too booked out. And they see blocks of nothing in my schedule as opportunities to connect. And I see them as slots that need to be filled. So that's something that we've had a lot of conversations about. And this is unique to me in this moment because someone from my past, so my ex-girlfriend recently started texting with me. again and we were trying to get together. And about two weeks ago, they sent me a message and they're like, hey, you know, let's just get together, you know, hang out for a little bit, have a drink, have a coffee, whatever. And send me some dates and times you're available. Gave me a clear action, clear thing that I was supposed to respond to. I was feeling the time overwhelmed. I'm feeling this a lot in my life. I'm very, very close or at my saturation point right here, right now at the time of this recording. So I actually did not respond. a week and a half, which is not like me. And they prompted me again. They said, hey, how are you doing? Are you feeling okay? Like, you know, do you want to get together? And again, two days passed before I responded to that text message. And I responded by waking up around 5.30 in the morning. And my panic lizard brain said, hey, you never texted back. And that's how I knew. That was my sign that my time-related sign that I'm overbooked. There's too much going on. And I need to take a hard look at what I can scale back with to make more room for the recovery zone around my scheduling or it was going to start to impact my relationships. And that's really what it's all about, right? It's what's, it's not maybe even like cut. It's not about cutting things out, but it's about reprioritizing. And we're polyamorous. So we often are prioritizing the relationship. that we have with people. And our relationships do suffer when we're reaching that point of saturation. And my own relationships, it comes to me in a lot of different ways. But there's internal and there's external ways that this kind of comes to me. There are things that I look at and things that I listen to internally, but also from my partners. And one of them really is both. And that is that sense of being, not being present, not it's difficult to stay in the moment. the times I have with each of my partners starts to bleed into the other partner. We're always talking about this person or we're always talking about this situation. And we're not able to focus on that one partner at that one time because we're preoccupied with other things that are going on. And it might not necessarily be a sign that there are too many partners, which is often what we think about with saturation. But it just might be that you're overwhelmed or you're saturated with what might be going on. Maybe you or one of your partners is just in a crisis or dealing with a lot in their life or something that's going on. And it's pulled your attention away and you're struggling to be present. That's a sign that, hey, I need things to be a little bit easier here, a little bit less saturated. This oftentimes gets reflected back to me with, are we sure that there's enough room for me or enough space for this? or I want to make sure that everything is okay that we spend time together. And that's usually I'm grateful that I can count on my partners to be able to say those things to me. There's also this maybe thing that we don't always want to talk about, but that is that sense of being really disconnected, not being able to be intimate or emotionally close with a partner, especially around sexual intimacy. you're just like, I would just rather go to bed and I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to touch you, cuddle with you, snuggles, whatever those might be. Because you are stressed out is oftentimes, right? When those things happen in my life, I know I'm either going through a physical stress or a mental stress or emotional stress. And that's the place in my life where things start to, start to wane. And again, this is a place where my partners can say, and do say, hey, we haven't been this in a while. can we schedule some time to connect or can we do these things and that is that's that's really an important part of being in a in a pollicle like mine is that we can support one another in it but there are definitely times where things are overwhelming and we need to have that reduction in connection and whether it's intimacy or emotional connection and if you're giving all the one partner and not to another partner that may be a sign that you need to rebalance things but I think one of my big feelings here. And honestly, I think this gum, just like Kat said, this, her partners are like, oh, there's free time. It's time to connect. And in, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and should have given this time to this person. I absolutely should have reached out. I should have texted back. I should have not gone to the, I should have not gone for coffee alone. I should have gone to with with this person. And you start to really feel guilty and filled with regret about not being, and this is the worst feeling, not being enough for all the people in your life. And Kat and I talk about this in our own lives. We talk about this in different episodes. But the whole idea here trying to be enough for one person is it that should be your own internal red flag of I am not doing well because we really just need to be enough for ourselves that will help us find a way to be enough for the people in our life but it is also incumbent upon us all to find the wants, desires and needs that we need to be filled. But that feeling of guilt, that feeling of regret really does come in, especially when things start to wane and fall off in your relationship. We're not spending the time with each other. We're not being able to be intimate. We're not being able to focus on one another. And I just went through this with one of my relationships, I honestly had been almost three weeks before we had seen one another. And it wasn't that anything, there's no sense of saturation necessarily. My partner was sick. I am immunocompromised and heading into some health things for myself that being sick is not okay, and it's part of our safety connection that we have. But there was also scheduling things and other things going on, and it was just really feeling like, oh, I was like bordering on that sense of guilt. I was getting to the point of like, I really want to be able to see you because I'm just, I miss you. You're a person I want to spend time with and I miss you. And that was like I could tell if I hadn't been able to see my partner, though definitely in the next one, week would have been like, I feel awful about like, I feel awful about watching TV and not like going to see my partner or whatever that might be. So that guilt and that regret really is, I think. And that's kind of an awful end feeling of being saturated. Yeah, because you love them and you want to spend time with them or you like them if you're just dating and, you know, you feel like you want to spend more time getting to know them. And especially if they're trying to make time for you and you can't give it back to them. Like they're making the effort to be around you or to schedule you in and things like that. Like I'm feeling a lot of guilt about this old partner resurfacing right now because I know I have started, this is like a checklist for me, not to be super vulnerable here, but this whole list right here is a checklist for where I'm at right now, where even with my two partners and everything I have going on in my life, because it's not just your partners. It's how you're spending your time. otherwise. My two partners, I feel like I haven't been connecting with them. I feel slightly disconnected from them. Like I haven't been making enough time. And I'm taking steps to remedy that. But this new part, like this old new partner resurfacing in my life, I feel guilty because I did value the connection we had. And I feel like it was kind of abruptly ended. And, you know, there could have been something else there. And I would love to make time to reconnect with them in a different way, maybe not the same way we had been connected. and I feel guilty that, you know, they're willing to reach out to me and make time for me again. And I'm not willing to reciprocate that because I see these saturation points already happening within myself. So I feel guilt. Like, I feel guilt that it's there and I can't do anything about it. But I'm also starting to experience some of those physical and mental health signs that say, ooh, you are definitely there. And you're at that almost point of burnout. So maybe take a step back. And you feel that in your body, right? You feel the fatigued, right? You feel that physical draining from trying to keep up with the demands of your life, of your relationships and things like that. In some ways, monogamy is more simple in that way, right? I have some friends that will say, you know, I can't imagine having, you know, two boyfriends or two husbands or two partners because I can barely stand the one I have. And that says something about them. But there is kind of like that baseline where if you're only having to deal with one person's emotional load, it is a little bit easier, right? So imagine if two of your partners are going through something at the same time and, you know, they're both feeling burned out themselves and all of you are feeling burned out at the same time, that's a lot to manage. Right. So you start to feel that fatigue in your body where all you want to do is sleep. All you want to do is, you know, just kind of lay on the couch and mindlessly scroll through whatever platform you like. You start to feel that stress. You start to feel that anxiety. You're worrying about whether you're meeting everyone's needs and letting him down, as Doc just mentioned. You start to really be hypercritical of yourself. And you start to neglect some of your self-care too. So these are all like classic signs of depression as well. But they can also just be signs of saturation in your relationships. So your prioritizing. everybody else's needs and honestly your own needs are falling by the wayside. Like you forget to brush your teeth for three days in a row. And I think you're exactly right by saying these are also the signs of classic depression. These are the early warning signs in polyamory around saturation, not dealing with it, not working on it. That is the thing that's going to start to become a mental well-being issue leading to if you're already predisposed to depression or, anxiety, ignoring this, neglecting this, this is also going to lead you down that path back to depression or anxiety if you're well managed. This might be something to pay attention to. Yeah. It's important to recognize these signs early so they can help you address the saturation constructively, set boundaries around your time, communicate, I'm reaching my saturation point, maintain those healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Once you have seated a few times, or if you do have experience with depression, hopefully you can get to know these signs a little bit better. Not that we want you to experience saturation, but know the signs so that when you see this happening and you feel this happening, you can acknowledge your personal limits. You can communicate that to your partners and you can work together on a plan. I have gotten really good at being clear when I'm in a bad mood or I'm stressed or I'm reaching saturation. And I will communicate up front with my partners and say, hey, just so you know, I have all these projects going on. I have a lot going on right now. I'm feeling really worn down. I'm feeling really stressed out. I'm very anxious about it. I need X, Y, Z for support or I don't need any support right now. I just need your understanding to understand that it's not you. It's me. That's a phrase I use a lot and not in the cliche like breakup situation. But I use that phrase a lot. Like it's not you. It's me. This is what I'm going through right now. And I always try to give myself, I didn't write this in the notes, but I always try to give myself grace that is it a period of time that's going to end? So am I going to resolve these symptoms? Is it because I'm working on too many projects right now? And those projects are going to end in a couple weeks and I can reevaluate. I try to communicate that as well. If it's a short-term block on my schedule where, you know, things are just crazy right now, but in a couple weeks, a couple of things are going to end and we're going to reevaluate, I try to communicate. try to communicate that as well. So this doesn't seem like an endless string of overwhelm. Like there's a there's like big changes that need to make. I think that's really important. It is okay to admit that you're at capacity with current partners, with potential partners. It is about quality, not quantity. Just because you can date everybody doesn't mean you have to. We're not notching a bedpost here. This is not, you know, a competition. of how many partners you can have. And I think that's one of the most important points of saturation is being like, you can be saturated at one. You can be saturated at zero because your life is just all over the place and you have a lot of friendships that you're maintaining right now. Everybody's saturation point is different. Know your capacity limits and be able to communicate those with everybody else, which is our next segment after this quick break. Enjoying today's episode, be sure to share it with your molecule or anyone curious about ethical non-monogamy. And if you're juggling a busy, polyamorous life and could use a little help with day-to-day tasks, check out Magic AI. Magic AI connects you with virtual assistance to make your life easier. Visit our referral link in the show notes and get up to $2,000 in free support. See how they can help you create more time for what matters. As Katz said before the break, you might be saturated at zero, you might be saturated at one. But the important thing is that you understand that you're saturated. You are ready to say to yourself, I am at capacity because sometimes saying no is really, really hard. And being able to say to a partner, we need to find a way to change this because I'm at capacity. Or we need to find a way to deescalate if that's what's necessary. So how do we communicate our personal individual saturation with partners? And maybe that will help us also find a way to maybe flag a warning sign for a partner who you're seeing become overwhelmed. With existing partners, it can often feel like a really hard conversation to have. That place of being able to say, I really am overwhelmed. I'm really feeling like I need less in my life right now. And protecting them and protecting the relationship that you're not ending things potentially, that you're just trying to reach a point where you're just trying to reach a point where you're, you can kind of bring things back into a balance because you might have a lot going on in your life outside of polyamory, which we'll talk about later in the episode. But being able to open up about your feelings to be able to have an honest, careful conversation, intentional conversation with your partners is not an easy thing. And it's something that we can all really understand is hard. And I think as a pollicule, it's important for us to hold that space and hold that grace for our for ourselves, for our partners to be able to maybe say things that aren't as careful or as nice or as easy or as supportive as they want because they're, remember, we're overwhelmed. So sometimes we're not always going to be our best version of ourselves. Let's give you some tips. Here are some ideas that might help you have this saturation conversation in a way that is more supported and supportive of our other partners and ourself. The first thing is to acknowledge that saturation is not a fixed and permanent experience. You are saturated now at this time and what are the reasons you are saturated now in at this time? Understand that you can explain to your partners that saturation is, again, not fixed. This is fluid. There's just a lot going on in my life. I've got some health things going on in my life. I've got some work things. There's some family things. I'm just, I don't know why, feeling overwhelmed, feeling stressed out. And I, and there's, maybe there's a change in another relationship. Maybe there's something, something else going on. Maybe you're working on a project at the house and you just need a moment to kind of deal with those things and focus on that. It's okay to normalize the sense of fluidity that all relationships have. We are forever evolving, forever changing. Today I feel great. Friday I may feel like crud. And so being able to say that this is fluid. this is just something I need right now is absolutely okay. And it also lets your partner know that you're not asking for a permanent change here. You're just acknowledging that right in this moment, this is overwhelming. I know it's going to change. I'm looking, here are the things I'm going to do to make that change. Thaturation does change, friends. It does get better. It does get worse. Different circumstances, different energy levels. Maybe you start eating better and it changes things. All of that is absolutely okay. You can use some examples like, like sometimes I can manage a lot of deep connections and a lot of depth in my connections. And other times I need to focus on maybe a little bit fewer things. I need to be able to strike a balance here so that I can be in each relationship with intention and purpose. One of the big things is to really reassure your partner or your partner or your interests that your feelings are about saturation are not about them. It's not their fault that you're saturated. Yes, they may be going through a lot. You may be managing a lot, but your feeling of saturation is about you. It shouldn't be, well, you've got all the hell, all these other things going on. The hell's going, what do you expect for me? No, I'm feeling overwhelmed by these things. I need to use that eye language. I'm feeling overwhelmed by a lot of things that are going on and I need to maintain a healthy balance for myself so I can be here for you. Right now, so some of the things that I say a lot are right now I need things to be a little bit lighter between us because I want to be able to maintain this connection. I'm feeling really overwhelmed and I need things to be lighter. Can we focus on easy dates? Can we focus on only talking about us? Can we focus only on doing these things? And also letting them know when my capacity changes, like whether I have more capacity or less capacity for you, it's not that I don't care about you more or less. It is just about making sure that I can be present with you because this relationship has long-term meaning and purpose in my life. Right? If we're focused on the short term, absolutely. You're saturated out that person goes. But relationships evolve over time and we're in it for the long run. There's always enough time. And this is something that I say to both my partners all the time, whether I'm feeling overwhelmed or not feeling overwhelmed, I'm in it for the long term here. We're going through a little thing right now, but the long term value is that we have a meaningful relationship that I want to maintain and grow and evolve and you're important and you're here and there's space for you. Right now, this is kind of what I need in order to be there. And I'm fortunate that my partners hear that. I'm also fortunate that my partners understand the behavior changes that are needed for myself and give me good advice on how I can maybe write the ship as it were. And I think this feels unnatural to a lot of people because it requires a level of vulnerability, right? So if you're not used to communicating in this way, that's one of the things polyamory kind of forces you to do, right? It enforces it forces you to be vulnerable with yourself and say, yeah, I'm not a superhuman. I can't do everything and I need to take a step back. That's incredibly challenging. That's incredibly difficult to be that vulnerable with the other person and trust that they're not going to get mad. They're not going to leave you. They're not going to blow things up in your face. But having that self-awareness and vulnerability with yourself is hugely important here. You have to self-reflect regularly to manage saturation correctly. So share with your partners how you're going to assess your capacity and adjust. For example, I say, I like to make a habit of checking in with myself to ensure that I'm not stretched too thin. For me, that looks like semi-regular meditation, right? I try to meditate maybe four times a week, and it's not a long thing. It's not very elaborate. There's no candles. There's no incense. There's just me sitting quietly with myself and saying, okay, what's important to me right now? And what do I have to make sure that I'm maintaining? And sometimes that might be external factors. factors as well. There was a period of time where I was on medication that was changing, that changed my saturation point. I was very sensitive to everything. You know, I was not in a great place. My meds were just kind of messing with my head and how I dealt with things in a normal capacity. And I had to make room for my career. So my relationships were taking the brunt of that. And it was really vulnerable for me to say, hey, I am working through this and I just need support on to do that. And that sometimes comes out as just me sitting at a corner talking to myself, like a weird little Gallum moment, where I'm having a conversation with myself like I'm talking to a partner so that I can work through it and work through what feels genuine, what feels authentic, and what feels like I actually want to communicate versus what I think I should say, right? Don't put that pressure on yourself that you have to say it a certain way. Try to speak to the level of your partners, speak to the level of yourself, try to, you know, do all of that. And when you're having that conversation, encourage patience, encourage flexibility. Let them know that the dynamics might shift over time as you balance things out. So I like to say, I like in back to computers a lot, but I like to say that I don't have the bandwidth right now, but that's going to change as I evolve or things can change. an important point about this, yes, using those I statements and making it about yourself, like, I'm saturated, it's not you, it's me. That is really important. Do a check with them to make sure that if there's something that you can do for them to keep them engaged through your saturation point. So if you need to take a step back for a little while, make sure you check with them. Check with them and say, okay, I need to make sure that you're okay with this. And is there something I can do to support you that's not going to overload me as I am currently saturated. So what does that mean right now and how do you check in with your partner is hugely important? Remember that we're communicating here. We're not disassociating, which is an early sign that it might be saturated. You're just totally disassociated. I've been locked in this video game for 72 hours might be a sign that that's not communicating. If I see that, I know in my partners when they're disassociating, I can often flag that. But being able to check in with your partners is an important part of this process. And I, in my relationships, I use relationship check-ins that are that are scheduled. They happen at different intervals of time. But those check-ins also give us a solid fixed point in time where we can update each other on our relationships, on what's going on, and it gives my partners and me an opportunity to ask, hey, what's going on with XYZ? What's going on with this person? How are things going with this thing at work? And these check-ins can really help things. But it also, it's also that fixed point in time to remember that saturation is fluid and it does need to be addressed in a non-fixed way. This is a temps. temporary step back from going out on date, seeing each other a little bit more frequently. Maybe we just need to, maybe I can't see you this week. Maybe I need to see you next week. It also might mean, hey, we need to find a way to de-escalate our relationship. Things are getting a little bit too overwhelming in my life and I need to take a step back for a period of time. Maybe I need a container to be put on our relationship where we're just not going to maybe it's not about de-escalation. Maybe it's just about not escalating. Maybe, hey, things are kind of cool where they are right now, but I'm not comfortable going away for a weekend or I'm not comfortable with this aspect of our relationship changing because I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed. It allows you to say, let's take some steps here. Let's be really clear together about what we're going to do. But more importantly, when we're going to be able to revisit that. So one of the things that I use in my check-ins is I'm, I have a lot going on at work, for example. I'm launching a series of programs. I'm launching a series of initiatives. I need like, I need like three weeks to kind of get through this sense of overwhelm than I have from work. What I need is just a couple of weeks where we can do something differently or maybe we can just see each other for lunches or whatever that might be. It's okay to absolutely use a check-in. This is something that I talk to a lot of friends about and they're like, so you have like an agenda, like a meeting with your partners? Yeah, I do. Like everything is like it's if you are a working person and you've had a one-on-one, a relationship check-in is a much better version of your one-on-one because you're talking to someone you love. I'm a super romantic person. Like, here's our agenda. Thank you for attending our one-on-one. Let's review our performance. performance initiatives. Wow. We don't have KPIs or anything, Kat. Are you sure? Because I might. Maybe we should develop KPIs for polyrealitionships. I'm already saturated with that. Me too. These are some great tips for how to talk to existing partners. But what about new partners? So obviously, the answer that everyone wants to jump to is if you're feeling don't take on new partners. But if you're like me and people just wander into your life at the right time, that can be a little hard, right? It's hard to say, I don't want to have a relationship with this person I just met or I'm having a budding connection with or, hey, I think this can go somewhere. It's really hard to put that hard stop on it when you have more, I would say, fluid and organic kind of building. So I don't do the apps, as we discussed in our previous episode, but sometimes you meet somebody and they're just like, wow, this is an amazing human. I want to get to know this person. How do you address that, ooh, I'm currently saturated, but you don't want to lose that connection, right? So again, it comes back to that clear and honest communication. You know, right now, I'm just not emotionally and I'm time constrained. So you can say, like, I'm really enjoying getting to know you, but I want to be upfront that my schedule and emotional bandwidth are limited right now. Frame it positively by focusing on what you can offer instead of what you can't. That can look like I'm excited to build something meaningful with you, even if it might move at a slower pace. Like let them know about pace. Let them know about timing. Use metaphors to make it relatable if that's a little easier. I know the spoon theory is kind of big in the polyamorous community where I only have so many spoons to give right now or my relationship cup is currently full, that can usually, a lot of people think of saturation in terms of the scientific, like liquid version, like if something's oversaturated, it can't absorb anymore, I think like a sponge has reached a saturation point. Sometimes that's easier for people to understand. And sometimes it's not. Some people are like, what? I'm not a sponge. Why are you making SpongeBob references? But that can be really helpful to explain to the person like, look, I would love to get to know you. This would be great to pursue. I understand. if, you know, that doesn't work for you right now, but I don't want to lose our contact. Can we just, you know, can we just keep texting? Can we not do dates right now? Can we just, you know, see each other casually at this event that we met at or something that is not a drain on your current saturation and say like, oh, I'm finishing a project in two months. I'm going to have more time and I would love to go on a date with you then. If you're comfortable scheduling something that far out, if you're, that's in your real house of comfort with saturation, which it is with me, then that's great. That might give you comfort to know that you have something on the schedule with them for three months in the future, like making a plan to go to something in the summer. And you might get there and change your mind or not, but just really be upfront and honest and try to make it relatable to that new person that it is really about your saturation. I have a person in my life who kind of has ebbed and flowed and someone who I really definitely care about and who is great at this, who's absolutely top notch. She's like, I am at saturation with this, what's going on. I need this amount of time or I just don't have the spoons for this to happen. Even when it comes right down to we were supposed to see each other on a Tuesday and they were just like I've had an awful week. I need like a couple of days or a couple of weeks of time. And that this person has just been an amazing kind of mentor and guide in the space because she is absolutely just direct in caring and supportive in that place. And is admittedly like there are times where it's like I don't know where at three, four weeks maybe I've got time on this. But also really good to revisit it and say, hey, I need like can we look at something like next month? for getting together, like I want to be able to see you. So that's, I absolutely appreciate this whole spoon's conversation and being able to say that because it's also freed me in that relationship to be able to say the same. She's also very good at recognizing when I probably do need more space and is able to say that to me as well. I think the important thing really in this is to establish your boundaries in saturation around saturation together with your partners, whether that's individually with each partner or if your pollicule allows doing it all together, but discuss with these, discuss with your people how much time and energy you can, you can realistically dedicate without feeling overcommitted. And part of that needs to be very much like, well, if it needs to not be, well, if I spent less time with this person, I could spend more time with this person. Now you're starting to negotiate and compromise your relationships in a place that might, You'll okay now, but build and fuel resentment later on. One of the big kind of things is establish, again, it's that count. I don't know. We might not be Polly. We might just have a calendar kink. That could be what this is. Guilty. Me too. So it's so weird to send date meeting invitations. But again, I have one on once. I love it. I love it. I love sending date invitations. It's the only way it gets, if it doesn't beep in my life, It just doesn't happen. And so that's an important part. But consider having things like established days and times to see one another. We see each other on Tuesdays. And this is what we're doing. And this just happened in one of my anchor relationships where we haven't been able to see each other for a few weeks. I am personally going through some health things as well as a change in my other relationship. And it was very good to say, hey, we're at a point of mutual saturation here. But I want to be able to, once we get through this health thing with you, I'd like to be able to kind of sit down and talk about some scheduled days and times where we can see each other so it's a little bit more predictable. Create that sense of understanding between you in your relationships about what dynamics are feasible, what things in your life are allowable because you just need to be able to do things. But this is not just like we can do all the things. It can very well be, hey, I need you to spend less time up at work because you're, you're putting in 60, 70 hours. That's not reasonable. You're burning the candle at both ends. And we need, I'd like to, I'd like to blow your candle out. And so, as it were. But this is also very much about new partners being able to say, are you sure you can take on this person? or if you take on this person being able to say, there's absolutely still time for you. I feel being clear about what your time allows so that everybody understands. Because your first blush about bringing on a new partner is very much going to be about, well, what does that leave me? Where do I fit in all this? Can you, and building in that reassurance. And this is also something that both Kat and I have gone through. Absolutely check with your partners about what's going on in making sure that you have that mutual understanding, but also make sure that you're aligned together. Make sure that you're encouraging that open dialogue, letting them know that they can share their expectations, their insecurities, their needs for reassurance, that they can bring this back up whenever they need to so that they can make sure that we are understanding that saturation is fluid, that it does change in time. How does this dynamic work for you? if I did X, Y, Z, would that give you a little bit more space and still allow us to be together? Or what are you hoping for in this relationship for the next period of time so we can kind of go through that? But making sure that you have established boundaries and expectations together, make sure you're aligned, and making sure that you are communicating all of the time. Be present, be purposeful with your partners. Yeah. And definitely check for that alignment and understanding. understanding with new people coming in. You might meet somebody who is ready for pretty much a full-time relationship, right? They want to be an anchor partner. They want to be a nesting partner. They want to be, you know, a really constant presence in your life. And that might not be available at this point in time because of your saturation level. So if someone's communicating to you that, you know, they want to nest together and they want to have, you know, a hot and heavy relationship where they're seeing you a lot and they want to take up a lot of your time. And this is hugely important to communicate to them like, hey, just so you know, I am saturated right now. I understand that you want that, but are you okay if we take it slow? You have to check with them for that mutual alignment and understanding that you're both on the same page. Otherwise, they're going to expect a lot of your time, especially if they have anxious attachment or something like that, and you're only available part time until your saturation ebbs. That's really difficult. That's really difficult for you guys to get to alignment on that. So that communication is key and those boundaries are key where you can clearly say like, hey, new partner, I want to make time for you. Let's get to an understanding on what this is going to look like for the time being and when we can come back to it. And give them reassurance, but reassure them without overpromising. If you're people pleasy, I have a lot of people pleasy in me. People pleasers tend to over promise, right? you want them to feel good. You want them to, you know, be involved. You want them to be engaged. And you might say, yeah, of course I can meet with you, you know, every weekend and I can give you all this time and all this energy. And then as soon as that conversation's over and you go home, you're like, why did I do that? So really resist the pressure to reassure them and overpromise on your time. For instance, I love to use the phrase, I can't promise a lot of time right now. But I can promise to be intentional when we are together, right? Because it is quality over quantity. We said that earlier, I'm repeating it here. So even though I can't give you a lot of my time right now, I can make sure that when we are together, it is really intentional and it is going to be wonderful. And that goes for those new partners to make sure that is it worth it for me to get into this relationship? Yes, our time together will be quality. But take that back to your existing relationships too. Don't just fill time to fill time. Make sure that time is intentional. And most importantly, how do you balance all of this together? The relationships, the friendships, the family, the work, all that kind of stuff. We will talk about that after a quick break. Hey there, amazing human. Just a quick pause to say thank you for tuning in to the Polypathways podcast. Whether you're here for your first episode or you've been along this polyamorous journey from the start, we see you. We appreciate you, and we're so glad you're here. If you're loving this conversation, we've got a little request. Don't keep all this polyamory goodness to yourself. Hit that subscribe button or follow button wherever you're listening right now so that you don't miss an episode. And then share this podcast with a friend. Whether it's the deep dives, practical tips, or little doses of relationship realness, there's plenty more to come, and we don't want you to miss a thing. And hey, let's keep this conversation going. Follow us on social media at Poly Pathways podcast wherever you like to social. That's where the magic happens between episodes. Updates, behind the scene moments, and yes, the occasional meme, because let's face it, polyamory is definitely meme worthy. Your support through subscribing, following, and sharing is the best way to make it possible for us to keep creating content for this incredible community. So thank you. You're the reason this podcast exists. All right, let's get back to the episode. So we've mentioned this throughout the episode, and that is that, yes, saturation happens in your polyamorous romantic relationships. It also is a factor of non-Poly relationships, your friendships, your family, your work life, your individual interest life, whatever might be going on. And it's important to know that your friends are important too. The friends that you maintain in your life are important to. It's that old monogamous, mononormative trope of, well, as soon as they got a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a wife, a husband, they just stopped hanging out with me. Your friends are important too. So if you've neglected your friends, Kat and I are here to say it's okay to have your friends. Friendship relationships are important too. And being able to see that person as a friend, even if they too are polyamorous. Kat and I talk about all the time. We are partnered, but we are not partners, but it's important that we make the time to see one another and we do the podcast together, but we also hike and backpack together. And we do, we have adventures together. And so being able to have this friendship is important to me. My partners know that. And so it's also a factor of being able to let your partners know, hey, I have this friendship. This is important to me. I think the friendship part is really important because. friends give you a different perspective and friends can refill your cup in a different way than relationships. So yeah, you can spend time with your partner and feel really good about that time together, but friends can do that for you too. The question I want you to ask yourself is, are you spending time with the people who energize you or the people that drain you? And sometimes, I'll be real. Spending time or feeling like you have to spend time with your partners can feel draining. It's not that you don't love them. It's that there's so much pressure to spend time with them that it feels draining. And it can be nice to go out with, you know, a group of your girlfriends or a group of your guy friends or your favorite intellectual friend that you want to sit and have a podcast with. Like, making time for things outside the norm is actually a cup refilling activity versus another draw on your saturation point. So think of it that way. Instead of just add adding another item to your to-do list. If you're constantly managing your relationships and work, enroll your responsibilities, try to squeeze a little bit of time for some funness in there. Kind of like the way people take vacations when they're feeling burned out. You have to take that little vacation from constantly managing all the things that stress you out in order to refill your cup, to get that energy back. So please prioritize those friendships that do refill your cup. Not the gossip circles that are going to drain your cup, but really those people that are going to energize you instead of draining you out, they can help you get over your saturation point and give you a different perspective on the way your life is going right now. It feeds into your self-care. Self-care is such an important part of the whole polyamorous equation. And I'm not talking about self-care like I woke up and took a shower today. That's maintenance. That's self-maintenance. Self-care is really that investment in yourself. As Kat mentioned, being able to go out and catch a movie with your friends or just go out and catch a movie with yourself and invest in something that you like to do or you like to say. Being able to set up a board game or a card game with your friends if you're part of the D&D Poly Group. Or maybe, for example, one of the ways that I enjoy being able to fill my own cup is I like, there's a state park. near me and it's lots of trails. I like to throw on my backpack and go for a hike. It's not something I've been able to do for a while because of the health issues in my life. But I'm back. I'm back at it and we're getting out on the trail. And that really has opened up for me my ability to take on more in my life, which seems so counterintuitive that you're taking time away from your friendships, your way from your relationships, to invest in self-care and do things for yourself. Go see a movie. Go to a museum. Go away for a weekend. by yourself, whatever that might be. But investing in yourself does give you more bandwidth. It gives you more energy and it gives you more perspective in dealing with your polyamorous relationships. And so not everything needs to have a romantic intention here. We heard this in the segment throughout is it doesn't need to have a romantic intention. Self-care doesn't have to be going out on a date with your partners. It really can just be doing something for yourself, whatever that might be. And I've just recently put together a list of. of the kind of the post-health thing, you know, self-care items for my year to, so I can make sure I'm investing in it, make sure it's right in front of me, make sure that I take advantage of those things because that is what helps me give back to my relationships in important and purposeful ways. Yeah, I think some people are starting to call it like a dopamine menu where you can make a list of things that make you feel good that you can go seek out, whether that's coffee with a friend or, you know, going for a long walk with your dog or, you know, anything like that, like, feel free to make that list, you know, find, find that list of, of things that bring you joy, whether they're big, they're small. It seems to be a common thing that everybody tells people to take bubble baths. Maybe bubble baths are not your thing, or you don't have a tub like me. But don't, don't be afraid to make a list and keep it somewhere so that when you are feeling overwrought, like one more thing is going to push you over the edge. You don't have to think of something. You can just go to your list, randomly point with your eyes closed, and let that be the thing that brings you a little bit of joy. One part of the equation that I don't think we talked a lot about today is family stuff. So if you have small children, both Doc and I are parents. We've lived the life of having small children. Mine are still under the age of 10. The years are a bit older. But those children can really suck demand out of your schedule, right? They've got activities. They've got school. They've got life. They've got things. And that's a big draw on your time and your energy. So balancing that with your personal needs as a human, I will say this, and this is a hill that I will die on. If you are not taking care of yourself as a parent, you cannot be a good parent. There are plenty of people, especially women, women, I'm going to call you out on this, mom's out there, where you sacrifice yourself on the altar of martyrdom, thinking that makes you a better parent, where you give your all to your child. Your child is your everything, and that is your whole life. That's, you know, it's great to have that passion and that wonderful energy for motherhood. But if you are not taking care of yourself, you cannot show up for your kids. And how can your kids learn to take care of their self if they are not seeing it modeled in you, right? So even in cases where there's multiple partners or one partner, things like that, yeah, family can play into it, but also communicate with your children. Communicate with your kids. Let yourself be vulnerable. You are not the superhero here. I have told my kids straight up to their face, Mommy is feeling very strong out right now. I just need to lay down. I'm going to take a 20-minute nap for myself. I'm going to drink some water so that I can feel better. And then we're going to go and be together intentionally instead of getting a half-present frazzled mommy. Right. So I'm going to go take those 10 minutes to reset. I've said it exactly like that. I need a few minutes to reset. And then we're going to go do the thing. All right. Take that time for yourself. especially when your family is involved. And if you have the luxury, I'll call it a luxury. If you have the luxury of being, if you have the luxury of being a kitchen table situation, lean on your partners for support, right? So sometimes when I travel, my partners will come and co-parent together and support me. So if you have that entanglement and that's part of your life, lean into that support. Let them be the person so that you can take a minute to reset your saturation point. And if you don't have that luxury, call a babysitter if you can. Find a relative. Find a friend. Do a friend-parent exchange. Find your community. Find your support so that you can reset and kind of take that time to step back. I think that that's right. Absolutely. I agree with you. This is going to be the hot take of the episode of if you're martyring yourself and you're in your family life, then you're on the wrong path and you should stop. turn around and find the right path, right? A better me is a better we. In modeling that for our kids, breaking that, what is really generational trauma, absolutely comment. Absolutely tell me I'm wrong. It's fine. I don't agree with you and I'm won't engage. I'll just, you're allowed to believe what you want to believe. But I've seen it be generational trauma. And I also think, you know, it's important to understand that we, one of the reasons we love, of polyamory so much is that community aspect. And a community has the ability to absorb more than individuals, than individual, even individual nuclear families being able to create that community allows us to absorb more. So whether your family, your extended family accepts your polyamory or doesn't accept your polyamory, right, is just part of that community. But work is also part of it. So in addition to Kat and I being parents, we also have jobs. You also have jobs. We all have to especially in late stage capitalism. We're required to have at least 16 or 17 jobs. At least. At least. We can't afford homes unless we live with our 14,000 partners. So what's like that's why we do it. Secretly, it's just so we can buy our own multifamily home. So what's happening at work? Work is also an aspect of our lives, things are going on at work, whether you have special projects or your boss is just being a jackass. All of these things require emotional labor. So maybe you have some significant time commitments or emotional labor commitments, which are sadly starting to take time away from your relationship. Communicate that with your partners. Let them know, hey, I'm pushing out a big program this month. I've got a, so a lot of my work is around programming. So that's not what your work is. That's fine. Insert whatever your work thing is here. But I'm, I'm pushing out a big project. I'm pushing out a big release. I'm pushing out a big, big service or whatever it might be in your life. And work with your partner to create that mutual plan. Maybe you're required to be working a little bit later at night. So you shift from dinners to doing lunches or breakfast. And one of the things that I do with one of my partners is if things are just, just completely hairy at work, right? We meet early morning for coffee. It's cute too because we meet at the place that we had our first date for coffee and we're able to connect and have that time. Sometimes you just need to shift away from it, work out a mutual plan and kind of work towards something that allow you to hit your work commitment and your relationship commitment. We all have priorities that have to come in a certain order, right? You have to eat. You have to have a job, unfortunately. So you've got to make time for those things too while balancing the rest. But maybe there is an opportunity for you to take a step back for a whole. while if you are extremely burned out, right? If you're extremely saturated, work is always the last place I like to cut stuff because, you know, I like to work. I enjoy my jobs and things like that. You know, maybe there is a place you can cut back there if you need, if you're approaching like that extreme saturation point. Thank you for being along for the ride today. Today we explored what saturation is, how to recognize how to navigate it with partners and friends. Hot tips off the top. Communication. Honesty with yourself. Self care. And of course, communication again, right? Communication is the key to so much in polyamory. So if you learn nothing else from this episode, communicate with yourself and communicate with your partners so that we can all be better partners to ourselves and to each other. Can't wait to see you here next time. If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, leave a review, share it with your community. And thanks, as always. from me and Doc for tuning in to Poly Pathways podcast. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, consider subscribing and follow us at Poly Pathways podcast on all the social medias that you enjoy.
