Welcome to the Poly Pathways Podcast, helping you create paths for practical polyamory.
Your hosts are Kat and Doc. We're glad you're here.
Welcome back to the Polypathways podcast, whether you're new here or a long-time listener, long-time being our past five episodes.
We are so glad you are joining us today.
Today we are diving into the unique challenges and joys, of course, of dating while polyamorous, the good, the bad, and everything in between, and all of those fun things that you get to along the way.
So this episode is all about navigating polyamorous dating from being smart about dating apps to romantic holidays, how you can manage that with multiple partners.
We'll share tips on crafting your dating profile, fun dates ideas, do's and don'ts for dates, and how to handle big holidays like Valentine's Day.
when you have multiple partners.
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Well, happy Valentine's Day, Kat.
Happy Valentine's Day.
The holiday I don't celebrate because I was shunned in school as a child
and I left a bad pace amount off.
But I'm not a big fan of the Hallmark holidays there, Doc.
Fair enough.
And I am not as well.
But it is, of course, societally, and maybe in Polly, we're just anti-society anyway, but
societally Valentine's Day is that time of year where we're all, you know, maybe it's the
end of cuffing season, I suppose.
But we don't need a special day just to have a special date.
You got it.
That's beautiful.
But we will.
Anyway, so we will, this is our special date, as it were, for, for, for, for,
the podcast. So we're going to talk a little bit about like dating while Polly. There's lots of
different ways to do that. But of course, it's the whatever century. This is the 20, 21st century,
22nd, 5th century. I've been watched a lot of Star Trek as we know. So this is the modern day
and of course dating apps. That's where people go. Like why why go out to a third space when there
are so limited third spaces out there for dating? Why date all your coworkers if you shouldn't date your
coworkers. And I'm going to let you go through this list of dating apps because I have very limited
experience with dating apps limited to one date I had off OK, keep it probably like, oh geez, like 15 years
ago. And then I met some guy on E-Harmony, even though I don't think that's even around anymore,
which was very terrible. So not a big fan of the apps. I think E-Harmony is still around. I don't know.
I have more experience than you have with apps, but I don't have a lot of experience across a lot of
And so my first, that's my caveat to this.
If you've got app experience and you have a different perspective or you have more insight
to this, absolutely let us know and tell us what your, tell us your story about dating apps
because we all have dating app stories.
And even Kat, even who only had one dating app, dating app, date still has a dating app story.
And, you know, my dating app stories go all the way back to Yahoo dating.
So that's not on the list.
We're not talking about Yahoo dating.
Most people probably wouldn't even know what Yahoo dating is.
But there's obviously the big ones that are out there.
And some are really poly or alt-life lifestyle friendly.
And some are not.
And it makes navigating them a little bit hard.
I'm going to start with the one that I think is probably for polydating when I was dating,
one of my favorite apps, which is OKCupid.
My biggest kind of pro here is that OKCupid has got a large,
user base. It's not so small and niche. We can't really, we're only going to get five people.
It's going to be the same five people. And by the way, you're going to say it in the poly
community, you're going to, in Polly kink space, you're going to find the same people on all these
apps over and over again. So apart from the large user base is also the ability for you to
select your profile as polyamorous or E&M and allow yourself to search for users based in
poly. So you're not constantly saying, hey, online.
a poly person in the opening of your bio and yet still getting people who are like, oh,
I didn't realize you were poly.
This is, I think, for me, one of the bigger aspects of Voki Qibit that I really like is
that I'm able to say, hey, I'm a poly person.
I can check that box and I can look for people who are poly.
But the other thing I like about it, too, is that it allows you to answer a lot of questions
to kind of get to some sort of algorithmic match percentage with people's.
even if it's just immediately to say, oh, we're like 96% matched, let me dig a little bit deeper or we're 60% matched.
I'm not going to dig any deeper.
So that's at least helpful.
Just like all things, OKCupid is a freemium type app.
So there are limitations in the free side of thing.
There are ads and there are other types of functionality in there.
And the paying for these dating apps is expensive.
Say that OKCupid I appreciated because I stay subscribed to it for a few years.
after I had my bad date. So my bad date came from OKCup, and it wasn't terrible, but, you know,
RIP Todd, it was just not going to work out. But the fun thing was when I did mark myself as in a
relationship, it sent me a reminder every year on like my anniversary or on my birthday and said like,
hey, we see you're in a relationship, you know, hope things are going well, blah, blah, blah.
But if you're ever open to to more matches, come on back to OKCupid, which I thought was kind of an
interesting user experience. That's interesting. I like that a lot. Yeah. It's cute.
Yeah. Another app that's out there that is really popular, especially I think because it allows
for women to make the first move, because dating apps are trolly on both sides of this equation.
But this is also something that I'm more comfortable with. I would rather know that I'm not
pestering or bothering somebody, but that is Bumble. So this is a really popular app that's out there.
It now allows for us to signify that we're in an open or poly relationship, which is nice.
It's a super active database of people.
But also, you don't have to be looking for a date.
You very well could be looking for a friend.
So you can change the mode of Bumble and say, I'm just looking for friends or community.
And one of my partners used Bumble to find a friend in a community.
And that has worked out really well for her.
And Bumble is where I met that partner.
So, but also saw that partner.
on OKCupid and feel.
So my con here is that you can't search for poly people.
Yes, they're poly.
It does show you if they're poly or E&M, but you're not searching for them.
And the other thing that I really don't like about Bumble is that everything is a freemium,
but it really, really feels on Bumble like you can't do anything without giving them a $1.99 or $49.99.
And interestingly, you said that women can message first.
So here's my tech nerd kicking in here.
The CEO of Bumble, the whole premise, was women make the first move.
She stepped down and the new CEO came in and actually changed the app to make it so that men could message first.
Their shares dropped so hard.
And this is actually going on right now, like in the last two days, that that CEO that took her space is stepping down.
And the old CEO is coming back because that was what is making Bumble unique was that whole women move first.
thing. And anyone that's been on a dating app knows how powerful the statement that is. So that's
changing back so that it's going to be women messaging first again because that's the core of what
made that platform great. So if that appeals to you, Bumble might be a place for that, keeping in
mind that it's not traditionally like very friendly to Polly. And I'm a big fan of women messaging first
as though who dates women. I also am sensitive to the whole idea of really terrible, droly,
men that are out there who make women feel very unsafe and I really would rather start from
a position of safety. It's important for my partners to feel safe. It's important that I feel safe.
And it's also hard. You're meeting a stranger off the internet. The other app that's out there that
is really that is really kind of alt lifestyle, poly cane friendly, I guess is field. And field is really
interesting, I think, because it's super duper inclusive. I've read bios. I've read bios. I
on field that make my brain absolutely melt down.
People who have they are, people are very, very hyper aware of who they are,
their preferences, their orientations, their ways in the world, what they're looking for.
They can get language specific.
So this is really a, I like field a lot because I feel like it is more inclusive.
I feel like the people that you meet on field are really upfront about what it is
that they're looking for, what it is that they want.
But the biggest thing I think I like about Field is that you're able to link to your partner.
So when I was on the dating apps, I always included a picture of me and my partner in the profile.
So whether that was on OKCupid or whether that was on Bumble and Field when my long-term partner and I were dating together, we were able to link our profiles together so they could get a sense of it.
not because we were unicorn hunting, but simply so that it was another aspect of that consensual,
ethical part of non-monogamy.
And so it really is tailored towards relationships that are not monogamous, or at least very kink friendly.
Here's the thing.
The user base in field is super tiny.
And even though I live in a larger city than Kat lives in,
I find the user base pretty pretty limited.
I would say that field is not super exciting in my geographic area.
I did actually reactivate it to take a look at what's going on in there.
Early in my Polly journey, I had signed up for there
because I was actually looking for a relationship with a woman
and I didn't know any women that were going to be into Pollyamory.
What I found there was 90% couples unicorn hunting,
like pretty much all over the board.
and even the ones that were not overtly doing it,
like you see a lot of couples looking for fun
because you can partner it with your couple's profile like that.
So I can add my partner and we can search together and all that kind of stuff.
That's great.
But I actually heard a story from a friend of mine who had gone on there seeking a couple.
So he was a man who was seeking a couple.
And he said his interaction on there was also pretty negative.
It seems like it is very squarely in the realm of,
of unicorn hunting for that bisexual woman to join an existing couple.
You'll see lots of looking for fun, looking for a join, looking for a good time, all that
kind of stuff, which is interesting because when I went on there to redownload that app and
see how the features had changed, I was also suggested an app called Three Fun, which is
specifically geared towards like Three Suns, which we are not covering in this episode, but I
thought that was an interesting little like sidebar one that they now have, like one that's
specifically like we want three people for a good time you said that to me and i just completely
completely lost it shared it with my partner i was like what is going on in the danie app world like
i don't know it also also great like we're not here to i'm not here to kinkshame anybody
like i think that that's great because quite frankly that gets you out of the space of bumble and
okay cupid and the weirdness of oh
it's only going to be you?
We're going to talk about how to actually make your profile in a second to be ethical
and to be upfront about it.
But I like the couples that are out there and they're like, yep, we're looking for a third.
Like we make jokes about it, sure, but at least they're out there and they're saying it,
whereas you also sometimes get those profiles of people that are trying to be sneaky about it.
And they're like, oh, I'm, you know, I'm a single bisexual woman, just looking for a partner,
blah, blah, blah.
And then like two messages in, they're like, by the way,
I need you to get with my husband.
And you're like, why couldn't you just have said this and not wasted all of our time?
I found the field community when I was on the dating apps to be a lot more clear about what it is that they want and a lot more upfront.
And I really do appreciate that.
Second to OKCupid, I feel like OKCupid is a little bit more of a mainstream type of app.
So people who might be exploring polyamory or ENM might be a little bit softer in their language.
But I've also talked to people on OKCupid that we're really clear about what it is that they want.
So let's bring this to the time-tested, age-old Tinder days.
Tinder has changed.
I mean, it's no longer the days of Tinderella and, you know,
getting as many hookups as you can get.
However, Tinder still has that mindset around hookups and one-night stands and things like that.
But I do think that it's changed quite a bit.
I think that looking at Tinder, again,
We're starting to see more matches.
We're starting to see more people who are dating with some sort of an intention to date as opposed to just hook up.
It is more inclusive of relationship preferences than it ever used to be.
I always kind of thought about Tinder is just this side of cheating.
But it's not.
It's absolutely improved over the years.
But it can, it still has that hookup type focus more than relationships.
So this is an opportunity for us to really explore an app that maybe we haven't looked at or maybe we're like,
oh my gosh, Tinder, that's the worst.
Like, only people who are looking for hookups are there.
But that's not the case I think anymore.
I think it is more about relationships and more about people meeting to form some sort of a connection.
So it's a lot more inclusive.
It's really widely used.
It's easy to find a match inside of a really large database.
And I think that that makes Tinder a really good option for.
for people who've not been in dating apps before.
They don't know other dating apps.
I don't think you're going to go wrong with the Tinder.
But again, I'm a bigger fan of kind of OKCupid, Bumble, field.
There are some others out there as well.
So one other one that's out there that is built specifically for non-monogamy
that is focused on our privacy and focused on allowing us to choose whether we're open or not.
And that is hashtag open.
We'll link to these in the show notes for you.
So you can take a look at them if you're out there.
But if you're in Polly, you know the apps that you prefer and I would love to know which ones you do.
But open light field, right, which is built for these ethical non-monogamy, these more alt-lifestyle, alt-life orientation, dating relationship focuses is still a limited user base.
And so again, if you're out there and you're casting your net wide because you want to start dating in the Polly sphere, places like open.
And places like Field are going to have a limited user database for you.
And you're probably going to start to feel a little bit like you're going to go through your own fields on,
geez, there's not enough people out there.
Maybe there's no poly people out there.
And there are plenty of poly people out there.
It's just that they might not be on the apps or they might not know what these apps are.
Another app out there that's focused on polyamry is one called PolyFinder.
That's not finder.
We're working on our R's.
That's a, that's a, that's a deep track reference. But so it is, it is tailored to polyamory. It focuses on providing some education and some knowledge. So if you're thoughtful or intentional around your polyamory, it's, it's an app that can, it's an app that absolutely is going to hit your vibe on that. It's really there not so much in the tenderella space or the hookup space or the unicorn hunting space or the, you know, the hot, you know, the hot.
wife space, it really is there to help you develop more meaningful connections. And again,
it's just got a smaller reach in terms of its user population. And that makes things a little bit
hard sometimes. And having been on the apps and you run out of matches on day one, it's a bummer.
So earlier I mentioned that I've used apps since Yahoo dating days, which doesn't exist anymore,
thank goodness.
But akin to that is this is not anything I know about because I don't, I don't do Facebook,
mostly because my, my, my, my, my septagenarian, octogenarian parents use Facebook, so I don't.
So, but is Facebook dating?
And before the show, I jokingly said to Kat, I'm like, who's on Facebook dating?
Is it only, is it only Republicans?
What's conspiracy theorists?
I don't know.
But I can answer that.
I can answer because I also checked out Facebook dating in preparation for this episode.
So I'm not actively dating right now, which is kind of interesting because I feel bad because I opened up these dating accounts to check them out.
And Facebook dating, the interesting part about it that was kind of cool is it won't match you with your friends.
So it's kind of trying to protect your identity from people who do know you.
So if you're on the download dating, you know, if you're not so ethically non-monogamous,
it kind of gives you an extra layer of protection, but also if you're trying to date
and maybe you're not out as polyamorous, it can kind of protect you a little bit from some of those other places.
Because anybody who's been on dating apps has probably had that experience, depending on how large your city is,
where you run into people you know on dating apps and how that feels.
And depending on who that person is, it doesn't feel so great.
And you're just like, oh, no, double e goes to the fact that, you know, you're polyamorous.
And maybe you don't want people to know that you're polyamorous.
So if you run into that, that's really not so great.
But that's my note on the Facebook dating.
I did not go full board into it because, as Doc already mentioned, the pool was a little shallow.
Yes, not that it wasn't wide.
It was just shallow.
So that, so I do like that.
I do like the idea that it integrates in with your social profile and your network.
So it is probably going to try to match you to people who are at least on the same algorithm.
And it does protect your privacy.
Other apps allow you to do that, allow you to block phone numbers if you connect your contacts to the app.
So it does provide you some privacy in terms of being able to not run into the people that you don't want to run into for whatever reason that may be.
So what about the non-dating apps, right?
So if you're like me and you're like, F these dating apps because your conversations are all, hey, how are you doing?
What are you doing? Nothing much. Yeah, me either. I'm just hanging out. Blah, blah, blah. So never really been a dating person. Prefer to meet people organically in the wild. And what does that even look like when you're polyamorous?
So there's meetup groups. There is Facebook groups and there's other types of groups on the internet that you can run into. One note about the Facebook groups that I find super interesting. So early in my Polly journey, I was,
trying to find where my community was like, hey, who around me is actually in these spaces and
basically just looking for a friend before Doc and I talked about this all the time, looking
for kind of like friends being like, hey, I'm having this issue. How do I navigate? Someone just to talk to.
Went into these groups. They all have the same thing, like introduce yourself, say what you're looking for,
say you're not looking for. And they say they have, you know, like rules on messaging, say if you're
open or not open to messaging and all that kind of stuff. And,
And what I found, particularly in my geographic region, and I live in a fairly large city, it's not the
largest city by any means, but I found that nobody really was paying attention to those intros,
and I started getting a lot of messages from people that were trying to hook up and do that kind of
stuff. So I did not find it successful for dating, per se, because it's really much a meat market,
an E-A-T
versus a meat market
like meet your friends
the other
you turn afraid
yeah
meat market not meat market
so they're after your bob
they're not after your humanity
but the other interesting part
I found about
and this might be
just my geographic region
but it also skewed
very young
and very old
so in the middle brackets
in like the
I would say like
25 to like
40-ish.
There is not a lot of people in that age bracket that were hanging out in these groups.
You had a lot of young people, usually young men, who were in there like, oh, I'm polyamorous.
I'm going to date all the chicks.
And then you had a lot of older people that were basically 50 plus.
Think like empty nesters.
Their kids have moved out.
Now they're allowing themselves to explore their sexuality and, like, get out in the world and feeling empowered.
So there really was a huge age gap there that I found kind of odd.
And nothing wrong with, you know, dating somebody a little older than you or anything like that.
I'm not going to go into the whole age gap thing.
But for me, being, you know, kind of in the middle of that demographic, it was a little odd for me to try to find my tribe.
I will say I did end up meeting a partner through one of those pages.
So my, my girlfriend that I was with for a little more than a year, I did end up meeting her through that space.
But it was a bonding over something versus anything else.
The other part of this is how to meet people out in the wild.
So say you're not online at all, you're just not that kind of human.
You're sick of the computers, whatever.
How to find pollies in the wild.
So if you're going polyhunting, where do you find the polis?
The joke out there that I hear the most often is look for the tattoos, the piercings of me, weird color hair, which is not wrong.
I think I have yet to meet a polyamorous person that does not have one of those three.
Usually there's a combination going on, but stereotype to style.
all three. Yeah. I mean, I'm all three. I think. That's our my partners. Yeah, I was going to say both
your partners, I think, are have all three too. But there are certain groups of people that I feel
lend themselves a little more to Polly. So if you're into Magic the Gathering, not to call you out,
you probably got Polly's in the group. Dungeons and Dragons, same thing. Any type of like tabletop
gaming tends to attract people that are polyamorous. Don't know why that is. I think it's
It's just because we need a group to play and which better way to have a group than, you know, get a bunch of polis together.
I think so, too.
I'm convinced of the D&D poly types that it's just, it's just simply so you can have a consistent rating party or whatever.
Dungeon group.
Dungeon group.
Do you are great.
The disrespect.
I can't.
I don't know.
I'm learning.
I'm learning.
I know.
You're not a D&D, Polly.
I'm a D&D, MTG, Renfair, all that.
So Renfares are another big one.
there's actually a rent-fair, I think it's like a state over from me or a couple states over from me,
where it was actually a problem because all the actors were dating each other.
And they were like, oh, it's a big poly thing.
And I was like, what?
At the time I heard about it, I was like, really?
Then I didn't really think about it.
So rent-fares in the United States, which actually I think it is global, a society for creative inaccurism,
SEA, which is like Renfair on steroids with rules.
Any alternative spaces, like tattoo groups, fetish groups, obviously.
stuff like that, music festivals are a big one.
If you go to big music festivals, no doubt you're probably going to see somebody toting around an upside-down pineapple, right?
To find those people in those spaces, you can casually drop it into conversation.
And usually they're a little more open-minded.
So they'll be like, oh, no, I'm not into that.
Or, yeah, actually, my friend Susie over there is DTF.
She's like all over this whole Polly stuff and whatever.
But I did notice in a few of the music festivals that I've been to that some people were very clearly, like, had their totems up in the air and their signposts and there's an up-down pineapple and it says, come hang out with us or any other of, I would say, a less subtle messaging.
I saw some signs that were very clearly, like, come hang out in our tent.
And the spelling was exactly what you think it is.
There's definitely signs out there by your people.
And the only thing I will say about, you know, bringing it up in spaces, mixed spaces where you've got, you know, Polly and non-Mali people is just being respectful as always.
So like if you bring it up, if you meet somebody and you're like, hey, by the way, you're really pretty.
I want to go out with you or I want to hang out.
But just so you know, I'm Polly, like, is that cool?
Can we still hang out?
Like being kind of upfront about that is kind of important in those spaces so you don't get off on the wrong foot from the get-go.
And the same is true if somebody's approaching you and they're like really into you.
and they're like, oh my God, you also love insert specific thing here.
I'm so glad to meet somebody that's as cool as you.
And it's leaning that way where you're like, oh, they might be ingenie into me.
Just be like, hey, by the way, I'm Holly Amherst.
So, you know, I'm really enjoying this conversation.
But if you're like aiming for a date here, you should probably know that.
Right.
And I think that that gets into how you should operate on profiles and in person with people
if as a polyperson is not to be cagey about what you're looking for or who.
who you are. It's okay if you're poly and not partnered to say I'm polyamorous and presently not
partnered or I'm polyamorous and I'm dating solo, which is also good. So especially coming from
my perspective so that people that I might be looking to date aren't thinking that they're
coming in to date me and my partners because that's not how we poly.
Are you enjoying this episode? Sure with your polycule or anyone curious about ethical
non-monogamy. Don't forget to tell us on social media with your thoughts.
We're happy to welcome you to the conversation.
What are some kind of tips on creating profiles?
And let me just start with this.
If you have an idea, if you have a way that you represent yourself in a profile that's worked for you or you think that you would like to see this in a profile, let us know.
Tell us what you think we should say in our profiles or what you think other people should say.
But I want to just share a couple of things.
One is to really use positive language to explain not just polyamory in general, but your polyamory.
I'm poly, I'm partnered, this is what that looks like, and start to talk about what that means.
This isn't a threat.
I'm not looking, whatever, I wouldn't write.
This isn't a threat and a painting profile.
That seems threatening.
But to explain yourself and explain your poly, explain your pollicule, creates a space in which it is not threatening for.
someone who might be looking to enter that.
Understand that if you're out there and you're Polly and you're partnered and you're looking
to date someone, they're going through the new kid mentality and what's going to happen and
what happens if my partner, my new person's partners don't like me, what happens if they're
not really Polly and they're just saying they're Polly because they're dating or they're
outside their relationship.
It's really just important to kind of be declarative.
I'm Polly, I'm partnered.
This is what I'm looking for.
And avoid doing a lot of oversharing.
The one thing I'm going to tell you is from a dating profile perspective is when it's just ad infinitum, just literally just everything going on in your life, these are the things that just don't jive.
That said, Kat just told you that her story of they don't read profiles anyway.
They're just looking at pictures.
So maybe we need to put our.
bios in the pictures. But absolutely talk about what it is that you're looking for in a relationship
and what it is you're looking for in terms of that relationship. Where are the boundaries that
you're setting right now? I'm looking for someone who I can go hiking with and have a shower
afterwards. Like, for example, maybe that might be. Or writing or and avoiding vagaries. Like,
let's meet and just see where this goes. I'm just super curious about having a conversation. Or
Or just start with how it is that you start dating.
So for me, it's usually like, let's meet for coffee and talk about more about this,
where our relationship can head and be clear.
There are also things I don't think you should explain in a profile.
And one of them is the whole, I'm a super busy person.
So if I don't get back to you, then why are you here?
Go away.
If you're too busy, what you're all.
already saying is I'm keeping everybody at arm's length. Go be busy. Cool. When you're less busy,
come on back. And some of this is reflective of my age and where I'm at. So a lot of a lot of people
that I would be interested in dating who are at my age are coming out of long relationships,
are skittish and nervous perhaps, or simply just know what it is they want. And they're trying to find a way for
someone to fit into that tight groove, which I think is fine.
But the whole I'm really a busy person.
Yeah, that's, oh, that's, me.
I'm also kind of a big, I'm also kind of weirded out when people are like, I'm a total
workaholic and my job's important to me.
That for me is an instant like, you, you need to work on personing.
I think it's almost a statement that they're busier than you, too.
Like, that's kind of, you'll see, like, everybody's busy.
Even if you're not traditionally busy as in on the go all the time,
that's right.
They still are busy with the things in your life that matter.
And the deciding factor before you even go, I agree with you completely.
Like, if you don't have time to date and you know you can't dedicate time to getting to know someone,
why are you wasting their time?
Why are you wasting their energy?
Why are you wasting their effort when you know you don't have time to commit to that?
And that's a real problem, but that's a real poly problem.
double. Like if you have two partners already and you don't have the spoons for another partner,
why are you out there seeking a new relationship? You know? And I think it's important. I think it's
not only is it just a poly, not only is it a poly problem in that regard. It's also a poly problem
because if you are poly and you're out there, you're looking for people who are going to fit into
and be in a meaningful, intentional relationship with you potentially. You also might just be a
poly person. It's like, you know what, I'm really just looking for, I'm looking for someone who's down
to clown. And, and, you know, I'm looking for a friend with benefits. And that's okay too. But
being declarative about being poly, being declarative about what it is you're looking for.
But I also think that if you're a poly person and you're trying and you're out there and you're like,
oh, these people are too busy. Like, that's not, or I'm, I'm a poly person and I'm a workaholic and
everything's important to me. And we'll see where this fits.
I feel called.
You're not being to a live fair.
I feel called out because I'm an extremely
busy person by traditionally.
And you're not on the apps.
But I'm not on the apps. And I think that's the difference
there. I will say
it is important to know that is
you have to be upfront and honest, right?
You have to be honest. But where is the line
for being too honest?
I had a recent interaction with someone
who reached out to me.
I actually thought they were super cute.
It was a woman through a group page,
reached out to me and said, hey, you're really pretty. Let's have a conversation.
Blah, blah, blah. And I was super upfront and honest. I was like, hey, appreciate you reaching out.
You know, you seem really cool. I was, you know, kind of taken aback. I think you're really cool.
I would love a chance to get to know you. But where I'm out right now is I'm only looking for
friendship. I'm not looking for partners. I'm not interested in, you know, pursuing anything beyond a
friendship. However, I'm always open for more friends as long as we can keep it at that level.
And her response was to say, oh, okay, that's great.
She's like, here's what I'm looking for and proceeded to kind of trauma dump on me where she's like, I'm having a hard time dating.
Here's all the things that are going on with me.
Here's all the things that are happening.
Like, I got married.
My wife isn't doing it for me anymore.
Like all this kind of stuff.
Like, they had a lot going on there.
And I'm a very empathetic person.
I was like, oh, are you in therapy?
Are you working through this?
Like this sounds like something that partner isn't going to solve.
Basically, they were looking for a play partner in a kink capacity to be very dominant with them in a way that they were expecting to heal them.
And it was like, okay, this seems like something that maybe therapy would be the better choice here.
But as the conversation went on, they're like, oh, I haven't really asked you anything about you.
Two days worth of conversations didn't ask me anything about myself.
And I was like, that's fine because I feel like this is not going to be great.
I've gotten all I need to know.
Yeah.
But towards the end of the conversation and one of the last things they said to me was,
I'm too busy being overwhelmed with life that I don't have any hobbies because I asked like,
what are their hobbies?
What do they like to do?
Because they gave me all the negative.
They didn't give me any positive.
And then I was like, well, what do you like to do?
And they're like, I'm too overwhelmed by like to have anything positive.
And I was like, all right, great.
So at what point in the relationship do you expose all of your skeletons in your closet,
in which point do you just be honest and open?
being polyamorous is something you should be open and up front with kind of from the beginning
where you're saying, hey, I'm polyamorous before you even go on your first date. You should put it in your
profile. Now women, we know 90% of people out there ain't reading the profiles. Dudes are
rolling into your DMs off of your profile because they think you look cute, completely disregarding
the fact that you are declaring yourself polyamorous. And trolls are looking at seeing women declare
themselves as polyamorous and equating that to being easy, an easy mark, right? And that's
not, that's not okay. Yeah, those greatly jump to your DTF, right? You're down for it.
So be open, be clear in your profile from the get-go, but also bring it up in effort, like one of the
first conversations you have. For everything else, hold on to it. Think of it like getting to know
somebody. I don't need you to throw the encyclopedia of your conditions at me when you get
the door, right? I want to get to know ways that I'm going to enjoy spending time with you,
like your hobbies, your things that are, you're passionate about in a positive way, not the fact
that you're passionate about being really down on yourself. You know what I mean? Like, is this
somebody you would want to spend time with? Think of it that way. But I think of being polyamorous
kind of in a similar but different way of some of the disclosures you might make sexually as well.
Like if you have an SDI or something like that, that's something you want to.
bring forward sooner rather than later if you think the relationship is going to be something.
Whereas a lot of that other stuff where people are like, I'm just being honest and you couldn't
handle my honesty. I feel like there's embracive honesty where you're just, you're setting
yourself up for failure. And I do find a lot of people in this community have that like,
I have to give everybody my entire list and my entire history and like all of my partners and
let me explain my poli-tool. That's 25 people deep in three different states. And they get really
aggressive with information up front about all the other stuff in their life instead of the ways
that they can connect with that somebody. So maybe that's just like a relationship coach side of me
where I'm like, get to know the person first, not all the traumas. I agree with that. Disclosure is
obviously important positioning them in the scope of the conversation. I can absolutely see the
other side of I'd rather you read the profile because there are a lot of profiles to start with
read the entire profile before you message me. Yes.
I don't need to.
Lots of people.
Got what I've needed.
But also I can understand that I, that notion of I've tried to disclose over time with people and I get emotionally invested.
I disclose over time.
And then that person is like, oh, wait a second.
And they ghost me or they hurt me in some way.
I'd rather people be up front.
I understand that.
But also I want to just reflect that if you're feeling traumatized by that, it's okay for you to say,
enough. I'm going to take a minute here and get myself kind of in the right space, get grounded,
and then come back to it. But there's absolutely that notion early on. And I think when I was dating
that disclosure of your pollicule and having that discussion was perfectly great in the first,
in the opening volley of messages, it's also perfectly great to revisit that on the first date
itself to make sure we're all in the same place, but in a way that's safe, in a way that potentially,
Actually, even if they don't want to date, maybe you found a friend there or someone that you can talk to.
Like, you're limiting your conversation when you're just like, please don't talk to me.
Yeah, I think the best question you can ask with somebody if you're not ready to disclose everything about you.
You know, I can't tell you the number of dates.
I've heard people go on there like, yeah, I was in jail for five years and blah, blah, blah.
And it was like 20 years ago.
And it wasn't anything relevant, but they did it from the get go.
The question I would kind of encourage you to ask, if you're not sure about disclosing all and stuff, be like,
what are some deal breakers for you? Like what are things that are absolutely non-starters? And some people
it is. Oh, you have a drug problem. You are incarcerated. You have more than four partners or you have a job in
another state. Most people know what their deal breakers are. And by inviting them to share those,
if somebody says, I don't want to date anybody that was in a psych ward, we're not going to judge that person
for saying that right now, but we're going to say, okay, then I should probably tell you that I
some trauma in college and I spent some time in a facility. Give them a chance to tell you what
their deal breakers are so you can kind of suss out some compatibility before you go all in on
trying to explain to them the entire thing that encompasses your personality. The beautiful thing
about relationships is getting to know someone and getting to kind of explain how all those
puzzle pieces fit together and make up what is uniquely you. So give somebody a chance to get to
know you over time instead of unleashing the full force of your history upon them.
And then what happens when they respond negatively?
I would love to hear from you, Doc.
Have you, have you had anybody get in your profile, you know, find out your polyamorous and then just had like a negative response?
Like, ooh, no.
I wouldn't say that I've had a negative response for the most part.
I mean, I certainly have like very early or very early docking.
dating stories like way, way, way in the past.
But what I find in terms of the most negativity is just getting ghosted on that deal.
Because if I, when I was matching with people, my first volley was usually very early on, like,
hey, like, I'm so glad that we matched.
I found this really interesting about your profile.
And I want to just make sure that you read that I'm polyamorous and partnered so that you know.
And then that person just completely disappearing.
Yeah.
So I'm not, I'm also not in profiles like, hey, what's up?
That's like, how was your day?
It was a, it was a freaking day.
Like, can you like, last thing I want to know is like that's, I want to engage here
in a different level.
So there's that, but I have had odd message or two of, oh, Polly's just an excuse to date
Okay.
Well, you are on a dating app.
So I'm assuming that you're dating.
But that's fine.
but we're not going to get into that.
It's so I just, there aren't a lot of, there, I haven't had a lot of negativity.
A lot of it too is where you're focused, right?
If you're focused on OKCupid or you're marking yourself and looking for polyamorous people,
you're going to find people who are like, oh, I didn't realize you were poly or that's really interesting.
I did have one person was like, well, you're only poly until you meet the right person.
Yeah.
Well, and that was not necessarily a declarative of they were the right person.
it was more of just being declarative of everybody's poly until they meet the right person.
And that's a very rudimentary perspective.
Yeah, you will run into those people that think you're poly for the now and then looking for someone else.
It's here on my side of things because I'm not dating.
I'm not a woman dating men.
I'm very sensitive to that.
Like, that my experience on dating apps is very different than my partner's experience has been.
Yeah, and I have a list here of some things that you might encounter as, and this is from my perspective as a woman who dates men and women, but you will get people that match with you just to yell at you, just to tell you that you're wrong and you're dirty and you're whatever for listing yourself as polyamorous.
As a woman on these dating apps, I have seen numerous examples of this, either myself or people that I share a community with, couples on field that are just out loudly proudly unicorn hunting.
As we mentioned earlier, you got a lot of those.
But you also get a lot of those women that are unicorn hunting quietly.
I had a conversation with a woman that I thought I would be really good friends with.
We had a lot of things in common.
And at the end of the day, she basically said, I'm looking for a best friend that I can also be snugly with.
But my husband has to be involved.
Like, she basically was looking for a girlfriend for her husband that she could be best friends with.
And they were trying to form a try it.
And she's like, but we're not unicorn hunting.
I'm like, sweetie, that's still unicorn hunting.
She's like, no, no, no.
She's like, I'm looking for a best friend.
Like, we're going to be together all the time.
Like, you're going to be my best girlfriend.
Blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like, I have no interest in your husband.
She's like, well, then this isn't going to work because we all have to get along together.
And I was like, yeah, the textbook.
So you've got a lot of that.
You also have men out there pretending to be a couple when they are not.
Or they're pretending to be a couple.
And they're including their wives and their girlfriends in the pictures.
And she has no idea.
I'm not going to blow up my friend's spot here, but my friend that I know, I would say friend loosely, the word acquaintance, I know her in real life.
Her husband was posting her on field.
There were pictures of the two of them together, advertising for a third.
But I was surprised because I knew her and I never really considered her a member of the community.
And they ended up divorcing because she was not involved at all.
There was a guy out there that was baiting women in.
And in that situation, I've heard of people like, they go to meet the husband or they hook up with the husband and then they realize that the woman never knew.
Like there was no poly involved at all.
There was no ethical.
It was not involved.
So just be aware.
There's super gross people out there.
The people that are mashing and telling you wrong, largely the bad actors are guys.
As I just gave you a few examples, there's bad actors that are women.
There's bad actors across the board.
A lot of guys out there trying to match and get a quickie, just like we said earlier.
That's a, the worst one and the final one that will point out is the audacity.
The line and the witch and the audacity of this bitch.
But like there are men that crawl into my DMs, not even on dating apps and other places where they're like, they're coming in with the message that you don't need anybody else, baby.
Or like, I see you're listed as polyamorous, but I'm so amazing.
Would you consider, you know, just dating me?
Like, they are this confident that they are so incredible.
Like, they are cowboying from the get-go and being like, oh, it's cool that you're polyamorous, baby.
But someday it's just going to be me because I'm going to be all you need.
There's this really aggressive machoness to it that it doesn't matter that you've been in your relationships for like a decade or a decade in or half or however long you've been with you.
It's not a new alpha bro culture.
Like, it's super weird to me that you would be that.
confident that you're so freaking awesome to lead in with that. Like, I'm so cool. You're going to lose
all your partners that you have and be happy about it because I'm just so great. And it's uniquely
tied to men that they're holding things. And I think there are women out there who are doing that
as well from the start. Like, oh, just you're only Polly until you find the one or you won't
need anybody else because I'll take care of all your needs. Well, that's good, good for you.
like if you think that you one know them all two can keep up with how they change but i this is
something that one of my partners has experienced outside of dating apps in real life like totally like
we should be dating and you can we can date for a while but in you know when it becomes serious i have
an expectation that you're not going to need anybody else and then ew like i'm definitely not that
person at all
Thanks for listening to the episode so far.
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Now let's get back to the episode.
If you're listening here on the day of the release of this episode,
and it's Valentine's Day,
and you're like, I'm going to create all the profiles on all the apps
and you're looking to find people.
Let's be positive that you're going to meet somebody.
And you want to talk about having a cool Polly date.
Absolutely let us know at Polly Pathways podcast on your social
media's what your dating app stories are, but also what your first date or polydate ideas are,
because we'd love to hear that because I'd love to come back and revisit this with more ideas.
But let's talk about some fun date ideas, some etiquette on dates and what kind of goes on in the
polydating realm. And I'm going to start with just that space of being able to have a date
with somebody and being able just to be with that person. I think that both cats,
and I are partnered with multiple people and being able to have that date with that person
and to be able to be intentional about spending time with that person, I think is really,
really critical to all date, fun date ideas that you have is being able to carve out and
spend time with just them. One of the, one of the people that I date really, it was such a
touching thing to say. I just like got Misty when she said this. She's like, I just love
spending time with you because I feel like I'm the only person that you're talking to when you're
here. And I just really love that we're able to create that intentional space that we could be,
we could spend time together. So let's talk about some fun and inclusive date ideas. And I've got a
couple of them that I think are kind of interesting. There are all kinds of things if you want to
do group dating, like if you want your polycule to go out together, trivia nights or escape rooms.
But there's also solo dating and things like that.
And so one of the things that I, this is on my list of things to do,
but I really think that it's a very cool thing.
It's absolutely something I've seen on social media.
And that is the tiny decisions app.
The, it gets us out of the, you know, where are we going to go?
What are we going to eat?
What are we going to do?
What are we going to do that?
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
Whatever you want to do is fine.
Hors shit.
What is going on?
So tiny decisions app, right, is just,
just an app you can download for your phone. You both put your fingers on the screen of the phone.
And whoever wins the Tiny Decision gets to do that part of the date. And I think that
carving it out so that there are multiple iterations within that date is also really, really cool.
And we'll put in the show notes. I'm going to link out to the couple that I see doing this all
the time on Doc. I think Tiny Decision app is really cool. And I think that it gives us a fun way to get out of the
whatever you want to do is just fine with me.
The other thing that I, this is something I have done.
This is interesting.
So part of my not Poly Pathways podcast work is dealing with managing how the evolution
of artificial intelligence and generative AI is changing things.
And every once in a while, I get bored of thinking about work things, which as it turns out
is all of the time.
So I started to ask about what to do on dates.
What does chat GPT have to say about dates?
I was curious and started to ask it to create date night activities
and date specifically date night games to play with my partner.
And we did this for several weeks in a row.
It was really super interesting because what we were doing is basically it was like a kind of a question type date.
Create a game around date night.
And it chat deep, he was like, great, what do you want?
You want a card game?
Do you want a question game?
Do you want an activity type suggestion?
And we said question.
And it pumped out five questions like,
explain your first memory of your partner or talk about what you'd love to do on a vacation
together.
And what was interesting is through the iteration of that AI is we were able to ask
it to go heavier or lighter on the content.
So as the topic started work too frivolous, we started to start.
to say, let's talk about something more in depth.
And it was like, explain a moment where you were really scared of losing your partner
and what that felt like.
I was like, okay, now we need to lighten this up just a little bit.
Or take it in a different direction.
Give me more seductive suggestions or questions and things like that.
It was really an interesting and fascinating thing.
But I also just want to talk about the basics.
Like, just go out for coffee.
My first date is always a coffee date.
It's always just at a mutually public,
non-close to my house choice.
And it's just a time where you can sit and talk
and have coffee or in my case, tea,
and just talk about the different kind of things that happen.
I think that that is a perfectly valid first date idea
or any date ideas to go out and have coffee.
And in some cases, I still meet.
my one partner for morning coffee before she's off to work and I'm off to work. And it's always
very nice. And as it turns out, we always meet at the coffee shop where we first had coffee,
which is also lovely. Yeah, I have a lot of really fun first dates and even second dates. Like,
as you're dating, like how to keep things unique and interesting? First date I went on with my one
partner was bowling. You know, we went out bowling because the traditional whole let's go grab a drink
doesn't always appeal to me because I'm not always in the mood for alcohol. I'm not a big
drinker anymore. I'll say anymore. But when I do go out for drinks, I like to be with people I know
and I trust, not with strangers, or I'm in a work scenario and there's very specific things that I drink.
But going out to drink with someone I'm meeting for the first time, I feel like that's not the
best way to get to know them. So I gravitate towards coffee. I gravitate toward me in a public place
for a walk, meet me at an event that I'm going to, like an outdoor art fair or a lawn fit or
something like that. But yeah, bowling was super duper fun. I love hiking as like a later date once you
actually know the person's, you know, so they don't leave your body in the woods.
Say, please don't. The goods then kill me. I'm interested in that. Ladies, we know. First date
hiking. No, don't go to dark places with people you just met. That's the bear, right? Like,
we're choosing the bear in that case. The bear? Yeah, I would choose the bear. Always choose the bear.
But another great one that I feel like people could enjoy is online gaming.
So there's a lot of groups that run online gaming groups and they're easy games like
Jackbox or Garticle phone or something like that.
My boyfriend and I really early in a relationship, our first date that we actually went on was
we played Jackbox with a friend of his who was like a streamer and there was no money
involved.
It was not an expensive date because sometimes funds are limited and you can't afford to be going
on all these dates.
But yeah, we just basically played games online together.
And the great part about that was because you were wearing headphones.
Like you're talking.
It's casual.
It's not high pressure.
You're a little bit introverted.
You don't have to sit there across from somebody.
If you didn't, we were in person, but you don't have to be in person.
We can kind of get to know them in a little bit of a low pressure kind of way where you're just doing something cooperatively together, but you still have room to talk.
Like movie dates and stuff like that, not as big of a fan of because you don't get to talk.
You don't get to know somebody.
You're sitting in quasi-silence for two and a half hours watching this giant long epic roll on the screen.
And you don't really get to communicate as much.
I agree with that.
Things like concerts, movies, places where the focus isn't on your ability to get to know one another is difficult.
But I like that.
I like the idea of online gaming.
I have a partner that does a lot of online gaming with her partners.
And I think that that's a great.
I think that's just a great casual way, especially long distance.
I think that's a great casual way to engage with one.
Sharing is caring and we're all about sharing resources.
If you know a company that would love to partner with Poly Pathways,
please have them reach out to us at Polypathways podcast at gmail.com.
Thanks for listening.
I think that brings us really nicely into the next topic of the importance of check it.
In Poly, you have more of an emphasis on checking in with your.
other partners, either before or after a date. And that can be around safety concerns. So women,
you know, you've texted your friend the details before a meetup. Here's his name. Here's his picture.
Here's where I'm going. Here's what time I'm going to check in, stuff like that. Similar things happen
on polydates. Your partner might ask you to check in before the date or to check in after the date.
If you've ever experienced it, the courtesy is not lost and it should not be gone by the wayside because you're polyamorous.
However, I will say there is a limit.
If your partner is asking you to check in every 15 minutes on your date, you are not fully present in that date.
And that is not fair to the partner.
So you have to have conversations about boundaries around dating, which we're going to talk about more in a second.
But making sure that you're super clear, like, I'm going to text you before we go into the movie and then I'll text you when I'm ready to come home.
Or I'll text you by 11 to let you know what my evening plans are.
Something like that.
This is super important.
An excuse and a reason I will hear very often why people have to be constantly on during dates is, oh, I have children.
I have to have my phone on.
I have to have my ringtone on.
I have to be available for my kids.
And this is going to be a hot take.
And I will give you this hot take as a parent.
If you do not trust the person that you are leaving your children with to deal with a three-hour date or to deal with an emergency.
as it comes up, you should probably not be leaving your children with that person. If that person
can't handle that situation, don't leave your kids with them. Because if you're on a date that's,
you know, an hour away or an hour and a half away, and they call you and they're going to wait for
you to do something before taking care of business, that's a lot of time. Like, that puts your kids at
risk. So I always have that like, uh, reaction when it's like, if you can't trust, you know, your partner
or whoever is watching your kids to watch your kids,
you need to find someone else to watch them.
I wholly agree here, Kat.
Like a hot take flow because people are like,
but I have to be available for my kids.
I'm like, you're entitled to have a life.
It does.
And it's something that bothers me on dates too.
Like, as a parent, I'm sensitive to the idea that if a true emergency happens,
then obviously whoever I've left my kids with knows how to get a hold of me
and will make sure.
And they also, by the way, no, if it's a real emergency, let me know.
Otherwise, I don't need to, I don't need to respond.
And because I'm in a co-parenting situation, I often don't have to worry about that at all.
Because if it's a true emergency, that's when my co-parent will let me know.
Otherwise, co-parent is wholly capable of dealing that.
But there is someone that I dated briefly that absolutely was constantly, I got to look out for my kid.
I got a lookout for my kid.
Why did you leave that your child with someone who you cannot trust for more than five minutes?
Why can we not go out and have this experience?
And that's fine.
Like if that's where you're at, I'm not here to parent shame anyone.
Like, if that's where you're at, that's cool.
That's also something that you can disclose.
Like when we're going to go out of a date, like I need to be able to constantly be able to get in touch with my kid in case, you know, the wind changes direction and they are freaking out.
So of course there's always room for real emergencies, but as you're dating people, I think, as you said, that disclosure is huge.
Like if you know you're that person that has to be 24-7 available to your kids, disclose it.
Tell them, like, this is a real thing.
And then let them decide if that's okay or not.
You know, some people might be like, yeah, that's really fine.
I totally get it.
I'm the same way with my kids.
You know, we're on the same page.
Great.
No problem.
But some people are like, no, I want our time to feel special.
And you will also have this, like those check-ins are important.
you will also have this from other partners where there's kids not involved, where the other partner is just anxious.
And they want to be texting and they'll wait until their partner goes out and they'll just bombard them with texts and be like, why are you answering me?
Why are she answering me?
That's something that needs to be addressed as well.
Be like, here are my boundaries.
Let's go around it.
Holy agree.
Holy agree, right?
There are there are times to let your partner know that things are going on.
my partners, if they're on a first date, this is not a rule that I have.
I don't have this expectation, but my partner, my partner, if one partner, if she goes
on in first date, both partners, I guess, go on a first date, they often share the location
just to be safe to say, hey, I'm, you know, this is, you know, where I'm going, what I'm
expecting to do.
I'm not the only person they do that with, which is great.
There'll be a whole team of people to show up to the crime scene, apparently.
And so hopefully not.
Like we don't, we don't have good first dates.
We don't want to have crime scene first dates.
Well, this is not a, this is not a murder podcast.
So, but there are, there are things to kind of do on a date that I think are also important.
This idea of being on a date and just absolutely telling them the entire novella of your dating history, of your polycule, of their dating history, who are they dating?
What are they like?
What would they like?
What will they like?
and just going, just absolutely polybombing them with everything that's going on.
You're like, we're poly people.
And it's exciting to talk about poly.
And I'm excited about my pollicle too.
Let's, these are my people.
These are kind of what they're like.
As it turns out, I also have a type.
So they're probably going to have some kind of intuitive sense of what my people would be like.
But it's also not a time for you to trauma dump or trauma share what's going on.
in your in your dating life or in your polychial life we're people and we're flawed
poly is not perfect so we're always going to have problems we're always going to have flaws
this isn't the time to devolve into a mononormative way of I need to partner bash in
order to connect with a new partner that's not anything that we need to do it's okay to be
honest about what's going on and honest about different things like, you know, my partner
is XYZ and we're going through XYZ a thing. But that's, but drawing a line there at that.
The other thing to understand, I think about is the flip side of that, what to do when your
partner's on a date. And this is obviously really highly individualized. Some partners don't
care, text me, call me, you're not interrupting, that's totally fine. But that's not anything that I
particularly enjoy. And it's, that's okay to be clear. Like, hey, this is the way that I date.
This is the way that we date. If there's an emergency, that's one thing. So this year, right,
I've been through a lot of medical things. If I text during someone's date, it's probably
related to that in some fashion. And I'm just trying to be clear about that.
The other thing to do with what to do on a date is if your partner is having a problem,
if there's some sort of drama, trauma, llama that's going on in their life prior to a date or around a date,
it's okay to let that person know that your person you're going on a date with that maybe this isn't a good time for that.
And I love that you brought up what to do when your partner is out on a date.
Take care of yourself, right?
We're talking about how to navigate date safely.
But if you're the partner that's at home while your other partner is out in dating, find
something fun to do for yourself. Like even if you have to do, you know, the child care and all
other stuff, but give yourself some time. Like, everybody always goes to the bubble bath thing.
Maybe you hate bubble baths. Maybe you're going to take a sensory shower. Maybe you're going to
go masturbate. I don't know. Maybe you're going to have some fun times by yourself. Maybe you're
going to go read a book. Maybe you're going to do something that is a guilty pleasure. Like,
you're going to catch up on desk or housewives or whatever you do in your spare time. Make time for
yourself. See it as a solo date. Like, I'm going to go date myself while my partner is.
out on a date. Which brings us to the final point here is boundaries around dating. So how do you
actually decide if you are open or close to new dating? And that's a self-check, right? Do I have the time,
the energy, the effort to dedicate to someone new? Do I have, as we call it, the spoons for it?
Do I have the spoons for learning a whole other person's history and trauma and what they like and what
they don't like? Like, you're taking on that whole person's worth of stuff when you're dating.
Or do I need a low-level relationship where I'm just communicating like, I'm just looking,
for a casual friend that maybe we'll go in a shower sometime.
Be very clear with yourself and then also be clear with your partners.
Like, I am open.
I am closed.
I am not seeking new connections right now.
And the time to do that is not the hour before you go dating.
So before you open up that dating profile, before you start seeking connections,
even casually seeking connections, there's big air quotes on that one.
And it's certainly not the hour afterwards either.
No, that's not the time to talk about the status of your relationship. If your partner is getting ready for a date, if your partner is coming home from a date, that ain't the time to have these conversations. We talked about the halt method. Don't do it when you're hungry. Don't do it when you're angry. Don't do it when you're lonely. And don't do it when you're tired or otherwise inebriated. Have a conversation low level when you're in a good place. There's no impending event. There's no rush on it where you can say, hey, you know, I've been thinking about it. I kind of want to open up and see more connections. I,
I've stepped back from my job. I don't have as many responsibilities right now. I feel mentally prepared to seek another connection and I think it might be cool to meet someone else. I'm going to go out and start dating. What concerns do you have around that? Not asking for permission because that's your right as a person. But hash it out. Set those expectations early and often around what that's going to look like. Maybe your partner has concerns about time and they need their communication about, you know, I'm not going to have.
more than one day to week or I'm not going to try to do this stuff. Like set those expectations
together. Set those expectations around escalation. Like if you're going to have safe sex,
when is that going to happen? Are you going to ask for testing? Kind of that stuff. And then set out
the levels of communication and boundaries around how much you're going to tell your current
partner about new partners. And the same in reverse. No one else is entitled to the details of
your relationship that you have with somebody. That is a very strong boundary where I don't
like to talk about my partners and challenges and things that we're experiencing to my other
partners, right? It's not their business. What's going on in my intimate one-on-run
relationship? Make sure you're setting those boundaries and those expectations. And most importantly,
talk about them as boundaries. They're boundaries. They're not rules. The difference between
boundaries and rules, you can't do that thing. The boundary is, I would like us to agree to not
do that thing and I will have to do this thing for myself. Boundaries, you set for yourself.
So if your partner saying, no, you're close, you can't date anyone else, that's a rule.
If I'm saying I'm polysaturated and I can't date anyone else, that's my boundary on myself on my time and my
limit. And we'll talk more about polysaturation on a different episode.
But very important to establish those boundaries ahead of time and then check in with them
as relationships progress because those boundaries can change over time.
if they are mutually agreed upon to change.
Hey there, amazing human.
Just a quick pause to say thank you for tuning in to the Poly Pathways podcast.
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All right.
Let's get back to the episode.
Let's talk now about because the release date of this episode is Valentine's Day, which is the monogamy high,
holiday and in polyamory can be a little bit tricky.
So let's talk a little bit about how we can navigate romantic holidays, but even non-romantic
holidays, just big holidays in your life, whatever that might be, birthdays, anniversaries,
Arbor Day, whatever is an important day in your world.
Sure.
We're not here to tree shame anybody.
The key to navigating romantic holidays and there's lots of more resources out there.
they're in the polysphere about it, but really is about communication.
It is about making sure that you're communicating around what it is that you and your partner,
you and your other partner, you and your partners are going to do around Valentine's Day,
around Sweetest Day, around Grandparents Day, whatever the National Donut Day,
whatever it might be that is important to you, how are you going to navigate that with your different
partners. One of the things that I want to just pull back from a little bit on this around the
communication is that my recommendation would actually be to think about these holidays as
times of the year, not days of the year. These are periods of time that you can hit because
otherwise you're forever going to run into the, you're spending time with this person and
not me on this date type thing.
Potentially, potentially, your polysphere might also be, hey, one partner is going out with
their other partner on Valentine's Day because that's free for them or that's what they
want to do and you can go out with your other partner.
All of that is fine, but communication is the key.
But my suggestion here is to think about holidays as periods of time as opposed to days
of time, a day, a specific day.
And that's going to alleviate a lot of pressure in your relationship.
that you can still have a special moment.
Because just like we mentioned at the beginning of the episode,
you can have a special date without it being on a special day.
Absolutely.
And you don't have to leave any of those feelings or the funness behind
just because you're celebrating it on a different day.
This hits me kind of in the middle of my being because I'm pagan.
So the traditional holidays that are celebrated by the Gregorian calendar
don't exactly jive with the holidays that I like to celebrate.
But instead of hearkening to a specific day and being like, I have to celebrate, you know, that's all just on this day.
It can be a holiday season.
It can be multiple things.
And you can kind of preserve some of those feels about it without it having being a specific day.
Holidays are made up, guys.
Holidays are made up.
They're all just fall out of the sky.
The one I like to point to as complete utter bullshit is Sweetest Day, which was literally made up by Hallmark.
Come on now.
Like these holidays are all just made up.
So whether you choose to celebrate them or not or celebrate them in non-traditional ways, it's totally fine.
And if one partner wants to celebrate and the other doesn't, great.
Just celebrate with the partner that does.
You don't have to be equal, but it is important to be equitable across all of those.
So if one partner does find Christmas to be super duper important, you're probably going to end up spending Christmas with that partner because it's value to them.
And if the other one feels left out simply because they think you're being unfair,
remind them like you don't like this holiday you don't enjoy this holiday what do you want to do
instead how can i celebrate with you what is important to you um and just trying to not to fall into
that like fairness trap of trying to be everywhere at once and potentially exhausting yourself
like if you have to buy four corsages on valentine's day and deliver them to all your partners
at five o'clock in the morning so that they get really excited when they wake up like you're just
why are you doing that to yourself and you need a home equity loan because that's like a lot of
That's a lot of effort and a lot of reachments out of pocket.
Yeah.
Don't go broke.
Don't try to make everything.
But most importantly, like, communicate.
Find out what your partner cares about.
Don't assume that they want this big ordeal for Valentine's Day.
If they're like, no, just give me a pair of fluffy socks and a candle and I'm good.
Everybody has different expectations.
Find out what those are and then find out how to click them together so that they don't feel like an overburden.
Celebrate on those different days.
Collaborate on shared gifts if you're in a kitchen table type of scenario.
or tailor each unique celebration to your partner's love language.
Some people really like touch.
Great.
We're going to go get massages.
Some people are really into expressions.
Great.
They're going to have a giant conversation heart room their front lawn.
Whatever.
But think of it less as the big, like, we have to do things for every holiday and we have to because we're a couple.
And if we don't do them, we're not a real couple.
Try to step back a little bit and realize that's not true.
It can look like anything you want it to or nothing at all.
That is such a good point.
Oh my gosh.
Boom.
Cat out.
Goodness gracious.
So we covered a lot today in dating from how to have a date to what to do on the date to how to navigate special dates or special days rather because you can have a special date without it being a special day.
And all of those types of things, how to navigate the have fun with multiple partners, be able to expand your polysphere if that's what you're looking to do.
And I think that we're both interested in knowing what your stories are.
What are your dating stories?
What apps do you like?
What date ideas do you have?
How do you navigate a special holiday or a special day in your pollicule?
And what does that look like?
Because there's obviously this is our perspective, but your perspective is really important.
In the next episode, I think we're going to pivot towards talking about maybe something related to dating.
And that is saturation.
and it's when do you when do you need to know how to stop dating and what does that look like as I was having a conversation with somebody I often don't know saturation until I'm oversaturated so that's something to talk about so I've got a lot to think about between now and the next recording if you found today's episode to be interesting valuable exciting or got some good ideas absolutely subscribe to the podcast follow the podcast leave us a review leave us a comment and find us on all of our
social medias at Poly Pathways podcast. Share this out with your partner, shared out with your friends.
Share it out with that strange, monogamous friend that keeps talking to you about maybe potentially
being Polly. So they have some ideas what to do with their date. But Kat, as always, I just enjoy
spending time with you and enjoy being part of this podcast with you. Always a pleasure.
See you next time.
Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode,
consider subscribing and follow us at Poly Pathways podcast on all the social medias that you enjoy.
