Doc's Polyamory Origin Story
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Welcome to the Poly Pathways Podcast,
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helping you create paths for practical polyamory.
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Your hosts are Cat and Doc.
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We're glad you're here.
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Hi friends, it's Doc,
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and I wanna share with you my polyamory origin story.
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I've met a lot of people in poly
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who have come to it at different places in their life.
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They've come to it through various levels of confusion
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and conflict and celebration.
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And my story is certainly no different.
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I came to polyamory later in my life.
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It was at the end of a long marriage
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to someone who I care very deeply for,
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and I'm happy to say that we can coexist
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and co-parent successfully for the benefit of our family.
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The end of that marriage came during the pandemic.
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Those several years really pressurized our relationship.
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It exacerbated the frustrations and tensions
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It compromised our mental wellbeing
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and forced us into making really difficult choices.
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As the marriage ended and we parted company,
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I went into therapy and reflection
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and started to think about not only that relationship,
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which is very important to me,
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but all of the relationships that I've had in my life.
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As I look back on them,
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I noticed an overarching theme of confusion.
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Cat calls these confusing connections,
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and I think that's a really apt description.
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That confusion really stems from my misunderstanding
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of how I could have explored those connections
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and relationships naturally.
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I grew up in a monogamous world for a very long time.
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My friends group, my family, my community
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was all monogamous.
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The societal pressures and mononormativity
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said you can't explore that relationship
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because you're in one already,
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or you can't explore that connection
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because you have to have the full relationship experience
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and jump on the escalator.
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It didn't allow me to explore my connections with people
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the way that I wanted to all of the time.
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There were times though, where those connections,
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the needs or the wants or the hurt that I wanted to heal
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was so powerful that through the mononormative lens,
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I was beyond my agreements that I made in my relationships.
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I hurt people and that sucks.
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And I work every day to make that better.
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It's also at this time where I met my now long-term partner
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who introduced me to the idea of polyamory.
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Partly because this was what she was feeling in the world.
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And it started to make sense
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given the lens of our relationship
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and given the lens of all of these confusing connections
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Simultaneously, my social media algorithm
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was also filling up with messages of polyamory,
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maintaining ethical and successful
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multiple loving relationships.
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It was filling up with messages of being authentic
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to who you are in your love and your life
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and your connections with other people.
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It had struck a chord with me.
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And it was at this point that my longtime friend, Kat,
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re-entered the picture.
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A message on Instagram.
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Hey, I don't know what you're going through,
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but it sounds familiar.
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And I wanted just to share with you my story.
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All of these synchronicities gave voice
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to this amorphous feeling that I had in my heart.
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That I was able to love multiple people
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because I had loved multiple people at the same time.
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I never saw love as that of sacrifice.
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I saw it as that of plentitude.
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I saw it of being able to give more and more in my life.
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And how one relationship can benefit all relationships.
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I finally had a way in the world.
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I finally had a way to describe how I love these people.
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How I want the best for them.
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How I want to have this connection in this style
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with this person because it's what makes sense
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and it's what flows for us.
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And yet with this person, I want something else.
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It was enlightening.
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And it was like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
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This cloak of monogamy had been removed
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so that I could now see the world through the lens
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of who I was authentically.
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And that was polyamorous.
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I am by no means perfect in polyamory.
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And I don't think anybody is.
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I learn every single day about maintaining relationships.
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I'm challenged often by mononormative thinking,
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by frustrations and envies and jealousies,
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insecurities and challenges
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that multiple loving relationships have.
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But I'm also able to be present and celebrate
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all the joys that polyamory has brought to my life.
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The ability to love many, many people in many ways.
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To build a community of people that can support one another.
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That can truly love one another.
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Not just for who they are,
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but for what they're going through
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and what their challenges are.
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This level of awareness fit so tightly
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with how I've lived my life professionally
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and personally for so long.
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It just felt and feels absolutely natural even today.
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Since discovering polyamory,
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and with lots and lots of therapy,
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I've been able to go back through my relationships
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and better understand the choices that I made
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given the information and the knowledge
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that I had at the time.
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It's helped me to better understand my inner workings
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and my mindset at the time.
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It's helped me to make better choices today
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because I have new language, I have new knowledge,
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and I have new rules that I can follow
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to be a better person in relationships, in love, and in life.
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I'm now able to successfully manage
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multiple loving relationships in my life.
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To deal with the joys and wonders of those relationships.
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To work through the ruptures and the tensions
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that they may present in time.
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I'm fortunate that I am loved and love multiple people.
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The reason I feel my origin story is important to share
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is because I encounter a lot of people in polyamory
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who arrived at it in a very same or similar way to me.
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They came to it later in life.
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They came to it after living a very monogamous lifestyle
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with mononormative thinking, both good and bad,
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for a very long time.
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They were outside the agreements of the relationships
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and confused by that.
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They were confused how they could love multiple people
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and that it wasn't having an impact.
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They didn't understand why love also meant sacrifice
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when in fact it didn't and doesn't.
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The more people that I talk to,
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the more my own story resonates with me.
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I was able to, through forgiveness and therapy
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and making amends and better understanding and reflection,
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provide myself the grace that I needed
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in order to move on with my life.
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While I carry with me the wounds of monogamy
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and mononormative thinking,
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I also have given myself the permission
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to move on and forward in my life
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and live more authentically as a polyamorous person.
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If this story resonates with you
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or it's something that you can understand,
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then I'm here for you.
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And I wanna continue the conversation.
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I'm always just blown away at the amount of things
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that polyamory has done in my life and will do in my life.
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It's part of why we started this podcast,
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because there are multiple paths through polyamory.
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No one arrives here from the same place.
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No one's following the same rules or blueprint.
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We're all just creating paths to successful polyamory.
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And I'm glad you're here.
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And I'm glad you're part of this community
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and part of this conversation.
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Thank you for listening.
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If you enjoyed this episode,
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consider subscribing and follow us at PolyPathwaysPodcast
